Letter to myself

When you go to sleep with a heart that’s heavy and a head filled with feelings that are unresolved, you end up waking up a short few hours later, at an unearthly time of 3am, unable to fall back into sleep as the mind jolts to consciousnesses and refuses to be lulled back to sleep despite that there is an absolute silence and stillness all around without much ambient sounds and noises to distract one’s sleep.

Uncontrollable large drops of tears start pooling at the corners of my eyes as my soul continues to feel aggrieved over the unfair treatment that had been accorded.

When I do things that are beyond and over, somehow it seems like it’s expected and nobody offers a word of thanks despite that it’s not what I needed to do yet I’m doing it for their benefit. When others do the same, they’re praised for it, for being proactive, for being helpful and ‘looking out for others’.

When I try to get someone to do something and I’m accused of drawing lines, but when someone pushes back something to me and takes time to craft a lengthy email detailing why said person can’t and shouldn’t do it instead of using half that time to do the task, it’s only right that they don’t need to do it because they are “required to focus” on their current work. And don’t I have to? And they aren’t called out to be drawing lines?

When everyone only has a single thing to work on, but every other thing that appears on the horizon gets onto my plate and to-do/to-think/to-plan/etc list, even though I’m not part of marketing/business development/whatever else, it’s only expected because “they are not technical”. Then why is there ONE technical person if there is so much technical stuff, while there are several others who aren’t technical and can get away with claiming that they don’t have the technical knowledge.

I can’t bring this up because these were the exact things that cost me a promotion, that obliterated my two years of work. And all the others above received good appraisals, got promoted and were always praised and thanked.

I get that this world is unfair. But it’s eating into me. And it’s making me wake up at 3am in tears. The stress is overwhelming me. The grief is consuming me. Even a protracted work-away-from-office arrangement hasn’t helped but has resulted in additional stress because I’m constantly trying to make sure I don’t abuse the trust and constantly trying to “deliver” so that I don’t come across as skiving as I try to work “work” around my own personal daily schedule and maintain my sanity in this period where I’ve felt utter isolation socially.

I have superficial social interaction with random people like cafe service crew. Other than that, it’s just me and me alone. It’s hard when we are supposed to be community creatures.

I know it doesn’t matter at all. None of the above really matters. Because God knows and that’s all that matters. But God, please know that I’m so tired. My soul is sad. I wish my time is up. I wish someone could understand. I wish someone could bail me from this situation, I wish You can deliver me from this deep valley I’ve found myself in.

Maybe it’s really time for me to leave.