It has been a week since the circuit breaker officially ended. We are in Day 7 of ‘Phase 1’ of the new normal. What is the new normal?
Everything feels almost exactly the same, except that when I am out for my essentials, there are definitely more people out. And I am still befuddled and mildly annoyed that my boss is blatantly trying to get us to return to the office despite that the default mode as advised by the authorities is to continue ‘working-from-home’ for those who have been doing so during the circuit breaker. No doubt that split-team-arrangement has been implemented, but the fact remains that even though we fall into a category where we can reopen in this Phase 1, what we do is ultimately ‘non-essential’, and I would dare say at least 80% of us do not need to be in office because there is no specialised systems so to speak that we need to access. I just do not get the thing about local employers and their hang-up about presenteeism and ‘face-time’.
I could be sitting in the office staring through the computer monitor while my mind is a million miles away but I guess they just find comfort in seeing that you are physically there, not out gallivanting or spending the time that we are supposed to be at work engaged in some other form of activity personal or professional, regardless of any productive work resulting from warming the office chair.
Anyway… so that’s that with my usual grouses about work. I still feel a sense of dread and hopelessness when it comes to life, when it comes to work. There just does not seem like there is any reason, purpose or meaning to life. The feeling had always been there, but the virus situation and the emanating lock-down kind of amplified it. Some days I sit staring out the window, wondering what lies beyond and what happens next. It is a case of feeling lost and directionless.
A new routine was formed. Human beings are adaptive in that way. When their usual routines and habits get disrupted, the urge and desire for structure – something I realised that I badly need – would cause new habits and routines to form. Some have advised that having a routine helps to give a day structure. It does, to a certain extent, but beyond a day, it still does not offer any clarity on why I am going through life. There does not seem anything worth going on for, because taking another breath, living another day, just feels like a torment that is not worth the pain going through.
Some days, I miss travelling. I reminisced the last couple of trips that I had taken. Maybe we had all taken travels for granted. The spontaneous impulse to buy an air ticket, book a hotel room in a city thousands of miles away, and spend a week there languishing in being anonymous in a foreign land. I don’t know when I would feel comfortable to travel again, pay the expectantly higher airfares and put up with the longer times associated with airport clearances and the likes. It just seems like too much of a hassle to go on a trip.
What is the real point of this post? There does not seem to be one.
I find that I need structure. I find that I need to not be disliked. I find that I need to be accepted. I find that I need to know a purpose. These seem to be things I cannot identify with or find in this role.
Yet even with what I know, I know not what role is out there for me to take on. Countless applications sent with nary a response. It just feels more and more hopeless and disheartening, especially so in the current dreary economic climate where many are losing their jobs and it would probably serve them more to land a job than me who has a job but am unhappy every single breathing moment.
Life just likes to make a sport of us, doesn’t it?
Death… is an option, not?
Sleep does not come easy. I tried melatonin and I am not sure if it helps but there seemed to be side effects arising from taking it so I stopped. Broken and short sleep patterns contribute to splitting headaches. A compulsion to stick to a routine has wreaked fatigue throughout my entire physical being yet it doesn’t promise sufficient exhaustion to plunge me into deep slumber.
Let’s see what goes on next.