dazed. and confused.

I have been feeling so tired recently that no amount of sleep each night seem to be able to make me feel better, or more rested. Ok, to be fair, I really haven’t been sleeping much, not in accordance to the recommended daily number of hours anyway. So maybe it’s no wonder that I feel so tired all the time. And that has resulted in me sometimes feeling a little spaced out and dazed.

My eyes are threatening to droop shut as I am typing this entry while I wait for my phone to charge. There’s about 10% left to go and I don’t want to leave it with the power on through the night. So pardon me if I am not making sense.

My muscles are aching a little already, even though it’s just been a couple of hours since I came out from a very exhausting class of combat. I can’t remember how long it has been since I last attended such a class because somehow I haven’t been free on a lot of past Thursdays. And I’m just paying back for it now with the weariness. But sweating from exercise is something that I really enjoy, even if typically I hate the very notion of sweating. Ok, perspiring. I perspire really easily, and my heat tolerance is extremely low, so I really detest humid and warm weather like what we have almost all the time in Singapore. But sweating buckets while exercising is a very good cleansing process that I like. When I exercise and don’t perspire, I feel weird.

There are days when I really want to go out and shop, because there are a number of spots and shops that I have been wanting to check out since forever, but somehow I procrastinate as usual, and end up not going, and not doing any shopping. I want to get this pair of shoes that I’ve eyed for a while but have not gotten around to getting, and even though the shop is really near where I work currently, it’s still not an item that I own. I feel kind of tired at the end of each day to actually have the energy to bring myself shopping. Is that odd?

And oh, last weekend I tweeted about this wasabi prawn salad that I had for lunch, and it was actually quite yummy that I feel like having it again this weekend. But I think it’s going to be really funny if I go back to that same place and order the exact same thing, except that this time I am not going to order the almond latte because it isn’t great at all. But then I doubt they will actually recognise me on the second visit. On the other hand, I feel like having a cupcake at Toast, or some nice wasabi chips at Blood Cafe. Hmm. Too many choices. See, choices are bad for me.

the shrinking world

Who knew that making decisions could be so hard.

When it comes to options, it somehow always happens that I have 2 paths to choose from, and really things aren’t easier when there are choices.

Recently, I have had some rather mind-boggling issues of epic proportions, at least to me, that I was trying to sort out. It isn’t going to be life-changing, though it could eventually be, but still it’s some major decision that I have to make and the stakes are pretty high. Which explained the stress that accompanied the numerous thoughts swirling with the speed of a cyclone in my head, threatening to implode, resulting in a broken sleep pattern that led to nothing short of a migraine.

And things don’t get easier when we talk about it. Because everyone has something to say and everyone’s words are influenced by their own experiences. I am grateful for the concern that you all have shown during this period, the time spent in dishing out advice, suggestions, and what nots. But… I think perhaps I made a mistake. With or without this, I will still make a decision on my own that I will have to be responsible for, and if it turns out bad I will just have to face up to my fate that things sometimes are just not meant to be. For me. I have put myself through too much unnecessary stress by actually talking about it, that at a certain point I felt as though I was caught between the menacing jaws of a hungry pack of wolves and a deep treacherous ravine – either ways it won’t be pretty.

Talked about all these one last time this afternoon, and strangely I felt a little better. Maybe it’s the person we talk to that matters, how the person puts things in perspective for you in an approach that won’t cause you to doubt yourself or berate yourself for the state that you had landed yourself in after all these years.

And yes! The world is shrinking at an amazing speed. Even beyond the usual circle of people that are wont to connections through friends and colleagues, I realised that I have friends who knew certain people who are friends of my other friends, through channels that I won’t really classify as traditional or expected. Everyone seems to know everyone else now!

a state of comparison

How often do you hear people comparing one thing with another, one person with another, so on and so forth? It goes that it is with comparison that we can more confidently make an opinion of which we prefer, favour, dislike, etc.

I was watching this teen idol drama (ok, go ahead and laugh but they can be therapeutic in their own ways, believe it or not) where this guy tells a girl he likes and who likes him back, that as much as he can’t ignore his ex-crush when she comes to him after quarreling with her boyfriend, he feels more ill at ease when he knows that this girl is upset, and his heart aches more for her. Well, I suppose some girls will probably swoon at that, especially when the person speaking these lines own a good-looking face, but that’s besides the point now. I was quite taken aback by her response, which stated that she doesn’t care for his feelings in that case, because if he can only realise that by comparing her with the ex-crush, then she doesn’t want him at all. Hmm. Food for thought?

Anyway, I was at my usual Kronenbourg-drinking hole on Saturday, having come out from a very angsty week that somehow warranted some beer methinks, and the Unexpected band was playing. They are one of my favourite local bands in addition to Timmy Band and more recently, 53A (although I only like the latter in a full band), so being able to chill out on a Saturday night to beer and nice music was one of my life’s enjoyments. I was comparing the 2 bands (Unexpected and Timmy) in terms of the songs they sang, because at such live gigs, there are some songs that will inadvertently do their rounds as sort of live band anthems, a very good example of which would be “Use Somebody” by Kings of Leon. I preferred Timmy band’s version of this song, by the way, because Ngak’s voice in delivering the song win hands down over Simon’s. No offence to the latter, but perhaps Ngak being the lead vocalist of the band makes the difference.

After the 2nd set ended past midnight, I thought to head home since I’d already been there for a number of hours and was honestly struggling to keep my eyes open by then. Somehow, time at Wala passes really fast, because even as I may stop counting the drinks that I consume, the minutes and seconds just tick by without even me realising it and soon it’s time to go home. On the way back, I was thinking how alike and different the 2 bands are… they both play live sessions at pubs and such, and definitely I’ve heard Timmy more than Unexpected since I frequented Wed-night Wala during the period when I bumming around, but the sound of the Unexpected seemed more rock? Based on the songs that they sing anyway, on the few occasions that I’ve heard them. I should probably check out more live acts, although there are some that just don’t do it for me. And oh, being someone who doesn’t listen to radio programmes at all, I think live bands provide a very good source to learn about songs that I may like.

sound bites

I was first introduced to Muse some years back by the ex I believe. One of the really great things about being in that relationship was the vast musical genres that I was exposed to because he’s quite into music in some ways, and often made me sample many of those songs that he liked. Good and bad in a way, but this isn’t about discussing relationships, so we shall move on.

I liked their Time is running out from the Absolution album that was released in 2003. Apparently, according to Wikipedia, the band that hailed from Devon, England, has been around since 1994, but yes yours truly isn’t that advanced when it comes to discovering new music, so it was only 10 years and 3 albums on that I came to know about them, and how infectious their music can be. Their brand of music is labelled alternative rock, and rightly so, in ways that I actually can’t describe. Haha. The lead vocalist has a haunting quality to his voice that reminded me of Brett Andersen from Suede, although it doesn’t have that whiney melancholic twang to it as compared to the latter, but nevertheless mesmerising and extremely captivating. The way he lends his voice to the song made it sound so hopeless and sad, and yes I know it sounds odd but I am really into such depressing music, regardless of the lyrical content because I seldom read into lyrics.

I don’t think I have their Absolution album, although I might have it on my iPod, but I haven’t followed-up on their music since. In 2006, they released the 4th album, which I totally wasn’t aware of, and then in 2009, Resistance was launched. It was at Wala last Saturday that I got to know of this track on their 5th album, Uprising, and oh.my.god. it was amazing. It’s made to be a rock anthem, the way the drum beats form the background for Matthew Bellamy’s deliverance of the song, it is just perfect. And I am so crushing on his voice right now, I am wondering if I should head out to the stores to get my hands on the album. I have never heard them in concert before, though I believe they were on our shores to perform previously, and if it’s something recent, it would be such a great pity…

broken

Sometimes once something cracks, no matter how you mend it, it will never be the same again.

It’s like how people often say that trust is like a mirror, and the moment it’s broken it will always be flawed and will never be the same as before. Works the same with everything else in life, right?

I would like to think that I make friends easily, as long as the other person doesn’t make me feel like I am not good enough to get acquainted with them. See, I am not someone with truck loads of self-confidence so it takes a lot to actually befriend someone. And when I make friends with people and feel their sincerity, I tend to trust them too much and open myself up too much to them. I tell people too many things about myself and what I think or not, that frequently I only end up with nothing but hurt in return, whether it is these people betraying my trust in them or somehow them using what I have said against me, in whatever ways. Why are interpersonal relationships so difficult? It isn’t rocket science, but it sure feels more complicated than that, and worst of all, it isn’t just about using your brain to understand, but you need to throw in your heart in order to comprehend, lots of it.