dazed. and confused.

I have been feeling so tired recently that no amount of sleep each night seem to be able to make me feel better, or more rested. Ok, to be fair, I really haven’t been sleeping much, not in accordance to the recommended daily number of hours anyway. So maybe it’s no wonder that I feel so tired all the time. And that has resulted in me sometimes feeling a little spaced out and dazed.

My eyes are threatening to droop shut as I am typing this entry while I wait for my phone to charge. There’s about 10% left to go and I don’t want to leave it with the power on through the night. So pardon me if I am not making sense.

My muscles are aching a little already, even though it’s just been a couple of hours since I came out from a very exhausting class of combat. I can’t remember how long it has been since I last attended such a class because somehow I haven’t been free on a lot of past Thursdays. And I’m just paying back for it now with the weariness. But sweating from exercise is something that I really enjoy, even if typically I hate the very notion of sweating. Ok, perspiring. I perspire really easily, and my heat tolerance is extremely low, so I really detest humid and warm weather like what we have almost all the time in Singapore. But sweating buckets while exercising is a very good cleansing process that I like. When I exercise and don’t perspire, I feel weird.

There are days when I really want to go out and shop, because there are a number of spots and shops that I have been wanting to check out since forever, but somehow I procrastinate as usual, and end up not going, and not doing any shopping. I want to get this pair of shoes that I’ve eyed for a while but have not gotten around to getting, and even though the shop is really near where I work currently, it’s still not an item that I own. I feel kind of tired at the end of each day to actually have the energy to bring myself shopping. Is that odd?

And oh, last weekend I tweeted about this wasabi prawn salad that I had for lunch, and it was actually quite yummy that I feel like having it again this weekend. But I think it’s going to be really funny if I go back to that same place and order the exact same thing, except that this time I am not going to order the almond latte because it isn’t great at all. But then I doubt they will actually recognise me on the second visit. On the other hand, I feel like having a cupcake at Toast, or some nice wasabi chips at Blood Cafe. Hmm. Too many choices. See, choices are bad for me.

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the shrinking world

Who knew that making decisions could be so hard.

When it comes to options, it somehow always happens that I have 2 paths to choose from, and really things aren’t easier when there are choices.

Recently, I have had some rather mind-boggling issues of epic proportions, at least to me, that I was trying to sort out. It isn’t going to be life-changing, though it could eventually be, but still it’s some major decision that I have to make and the stakes are pretty high. Which explained the stress that accompanied the numerous thoughts swirling with the speed of a cyclone in my head, threatening to implode, resulting in a broken sleep pattern that led to nothing short of a migraine.

And things don’t get easier when we talk about it. Because everyone has something to say and everyone’s words are influenced by their own experiences. I am grateful for the concern that you all have shown during this period, the time spent in dishing out advice, suggestions, and what nots. But… I think perhaps I made a mistake. With or without this, I will still make a decision on my own that I will have to be responsible for, and if it turns out bad I will just have to face up to my fate that things sometimes are just not meant to be. For me. I have put myself through too much unnecessary stress by actually talking about it, that at a certain point I felt as though I was caught between the menacing jaws of a hungry pack of wolves and a deep treacherous ravine – either ways it won’t be pretty.

Talked about all these one last time this afternoon, and strangely I felt a little better. Maybe it’s the person we talk to that matters, how the person puts things in perspective for you in an approach that won’t cause you to doubt yourself or berate yourself for the state that you had landed yourself in after all these years.

And yes! The world is shrinking at an amazing speed. Even beyond the usual circle of people that are wont to connections through friends and colleagues, I realised that I have friends who knew certain people who are friends of my other friends, through channels that I won’t really classify as traditional or expected. Everyone seems to know everyone else now!

a state of comparison

How often do you hear people comparing one thing with another, one person with another, so on and so forth? It goes that it is with comparison that we can more confidently make an opinion of which we prefer, favour, dislike, etc.

I was watching this teen idol drama (ok, go ahead and laugh but they can be therapeutic in their own ways, believe it or not) where this guy tells a girl he likes and who likes him back, that as much as he can’t ignore his ex-crush when she comes to him after quarreling with her boyfriend, he feels more ill at ease when he knows that this girl is upset, and his heart aches more for her. Well, I suppose some girls will probably swoon at that, especially when the person speaking these lines own a good-looking face, but that’s besides the point now. I was quite taken aback by her response, which stated that she doesn’t care for his feelings in that case, because if he can only realise that by comparing her with the ex-crush, then she doesn’t want him at all. Hmm. Food for thought?

Anyway, I was at my usual Kronenbourg-drinking hole on Saturday, having come out from a very angsty week that somehow warranted some beer methinks, and the Unexpected band was playing. They are one of my favourite local bands in addition to Timmy Band and more recently, 53A (although I only like the latter in a full band), so being able to chill out on a Saturday night to beer and nice music was one of my life’s enjoyments. I was comparing the 2 bands (Unexpected and Timmy) in terms of the songs they sang, because at such live gigs, there are some songs that will inadvertently do their rounds as sort of live band anthems, a very good example of which would be “Use Somebody” by Kings of Leon. I preferred Timmy band’s version of this song, by the way, because Ngak’s voice in delivering the song win hands down over Simon’s. No offence to the latter, but perhaps Ngak being the lead vocalist of the band makes the difference.

After the 2nd set ended past midnight, I thought to head home since I’d already been there for a number of hours and was honestly struggling to keep my eyes open by then. Somehow, time at Wala passes really fast, because even as I may stop counting the drinks that I consume, the minutes and seconds just tick by without even me realising it and soon it’s time to go home. On the way back, I was thinking how alike and different the 2 bands are… they both play live sessions at pubs and such, and definitely I’ve heard Timmy more than Unexpected since I frequented Wed-night Wala during the period when I bumming around, but the sound of the Unexpected seemed more rock? Based on the songs that they sing anyway, on the few occasions that I’ve heard them. I should probably check out more live acts, although there are some that just don’t do it for me. And oh, being someone who doesn’t listen to radio programmes at all, I think live bands provide a very good source to learn about songs that I may like.

sound bites

I was first introduced to Muse some years back by the ex I believe. One of the really great things about being in that relationship was the vast musical genres that I was exposed to because he’s quite into music in some ways, and often made me sample many of those songs that he liked. Good and bad in a way, but this isn’t about discussing relationships, so we shall move on.

I liked their Time is running out from the Absolution album that was released in 2003. Apparently, according to Wikipedia, the band that hailed from Devon, England, has been around since 1994, but yes yours truly isn’t that advanced when it comes to discovering new music, so it was only 10 years and 3 albums on that I came to know about them, and how infectious their music can be. Their brand of music is labelled alternative rock, and rightly so, in ways that I actually can’t describe. Haha. The lead vocalist has a haunting quality to his voice that reminded me of Brett Andersen from Suede, although it doesn’t have that whiney melancholic twang to it as compared to the latter, but nevertheless mesmerising and extremely captivating. The way he lends his voice to the song made it sound so hopeless and sad, and yes I know it sounds odd but I am really into such depressing music, regardless of the lyrical content because I seldom read into lyrics.

I don’t think I have their Absolution album, although I might have it on my iPod, but I haven’t followed-up on their music since. In 2006, they released the 4th album, which I totally wasn’t aware of, and then in 2009, Resistance was launched. It was at Wala last Saturday that I got to know of this track on their 5th album, Uprising, and oh.my.god. it was amazing. It’s made to be a rock anthem, the way the drum beats form the background for Matthew Bellamy’s deliverance of the song, it is just perfect. And I am so crushing on his voice right now, I am wondering if I should head out to the stores to get my hands on the album. I have never heard them in concert before, though I believe they were on our shores to perform previously, and if it’s something recent, it would be such a great pity…

broken

Sometimes once something cracks, no matter how you mend it, it will never be the same again.

It’s like how people often say that trust is like a mirror, and the moment it’s broken it will always be flawed and will never be the same as before. Works the same with everything else in life, right?

I would like to think that I make friends easily, as long as the other person doesn’t make me feel like I am not good enough to get acquainted with them. See, I am not someone with truck loads of self-confidence so it takes a lot to actually befriend someone. And when I make friends with people and feel their sincerity, I tend to trust them too much and open myself up too much to them. I tell people too many things about myself and what I think or not, that frequently I only end up with nothing but hurt in return, whether it is these people betraying my trust in them or somehow them using what I have said against me, in whatever ways. Why are interpersonal relationships so difficult? It isn’t rocket science, but it sure feels more complicated than that, and worst of all, it isn’t just about using your brain to understand, but you need to throw in your heart in order to comprehend, lots of it.

Closer

Just came back from catching a stage rendition of the story “Closer”, put up by Pangdemonium, with a cast comprising of Adrian Pang as Larry, Tan Kheng Hua as Anna, Keagan Kang as Dan, and Cynthia Lee as Alice.

I watched the movie, starring in the same order of characters, Clive Owen, Julia Roberts, Jude Law and Natalie Portman. I loved the movie, even if I didn’t remember much about it. It was extremely intense, it made me feel sad and poignant, and I thought it was brilliantly cast, with each actor playing out their role to perfection and with smooth chemistry.

Tonight, watching the stage version of that same story brought back memories of the movie, and hearing the dialogue spoken by local tongues certainly made it easier to comprehend parts that were lost to me during the movie. I felt that the 4 cast members were great stage actors, even though this was the very first time I’d watched Keagan Kang on stage. But, as much as I would like to laud the play, I realised I can’t really do it without reservations. It could be a feeling that is entirely personal, because I still want to praise them for their excellent skills on-stage, but the whole play turned out pretty flat, and it didn’t seem to flow very well from scene to scene. As my friend puts it, there seemed to be this lack of dramatic climax to the show, and as I mentioned about how the movie was before, there was this intensity that appeared missing during the duration of the show, which stretched beyond its expected 90 mins. It started a bit late past 8pm, and with an approximate 15-20 minutes of interval, the last scene ended close to 11pm.

Natalie Portman’s Alice Ayres made us want to empathise with her who was like a fallen angel still with a hint of dark innocence surrounding her, but I couldn’t feel the same from the play. Perhaps that is the difference between stage and screen, it’s easier, with the right editing and musical scores, camera angles and close-ups, to bring across messages that stage acting sometimes can’t portray.

But the positive thing from catching this was definitely the better comprehension of this modern tale of love, lust and lies. There was this line by Alice that said, “It’s a lie. It’s a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully, and… all the glittering assholes who appreciate art say it’s beautiful ’cause that’s what they wanna see. But the people in the photos are sad, and alone… But the pictures make the world seem beautiful, so… the exhibition is reassuring which makes it a lie, and everyone loves a big fat lie.” I thought it makes a lot of sense in our world today, don’t you think?

what weekends are made of

It is Wednesday but it doesn’t stop me from looking forward to the weekends. I can be contradictory I know, because there are times when I feel utterly low about everything in particular that the imminent arrival of weekends cease to mean anything even though it does mean that I do not need to go into the office to work. It’s just a feeling that overwhelms whatever positivity there is, but this week even if it didn’t start out too well I am still determined to be positive about the weekend. For what, I don’t really know, but well it’s 2 days away from the place where most people dread, and as much as it’s too short and we don’t understand why we have to spend 5 days out of 7 doing something we do not particularly enjoy and at the best hours of the day no less, it is still a reprieve.

Last weekend was me trying to extend my holiday mood, because after arriving home late Wednesday night and only working a day on Friday, I was still not ready to wind down the holiday spirit. After a short visit to the gym in a desperate bid to sweat away the pineapple tarts, prawn rolls and bak kwas that I had been gorging myself with, I thought to do the used-to-be usual Saturday noon ritual of brunch at Starbucks with a latte, muffin, magazine and music. I quite enjoy browsing Juice magazine though I do not really read it but just eyeing over the colourful pictures of your non-run-of-the-mill fashion spreads and other cool stuff somehow makes my mood lighter already.

The heat and humidity that seemed to be accosting us after a nice bout of cool rainy weather before CNY was a little too much for me to tolerate now, so what better way to cool down than to have some beer in a chilled glass, that although doesn’t keep my beer ice cold for long, was a welcome to the overheated body. And beer isn’t beer without fries and chicken wings, and a pan pizza would have completed the picture of perfection if not for the already full tummies from all the gassiness of the beer.

A Saturday afternoon spent sitting in a bar drinking beer and filling each other in on the happenings of the past days and week was indeed well-spent, especially when the sky clouded over subsequently and it started to pour buckets while we were safely kept dry away from the rain.

It was on to more meet-ups and catch-ups in the night, over drinks and more drinks. Since I already had my fair share of beer in the afternoon, I thought it appropriate to just relax with a milky baileys drink. It made me miss some parts of the past when it used to be a favourite drink that I’d order over the bar at Zouk when I had too much of the vodka redbulls and what-nots. The past is good for reminiscing, and nothing much else.

The Saturday passed uneventfully in a way that is totally acceptable to me; I think all weekends should be like this instead of participating in a mad rush of human traffic that more often than not leave us feeling irritable and frazzled.