It is ok to not be happy

Modern positive psychology would have tricked us into believing that our natural and default state is one of happiness, filled with rainbows and butterflies, and where we will all live happily ever after.

That has made us gone on an unceasing and relentless, and more devastatingly, doomed-to-fail, chase for happiness. So much so that in this pursuit of that state, we wear ourselves out, burn ourselves up and make us even more unhappy than ever.

I recalled passing a comment that almost got me an rousing round of applause, ok I jest, it was just to an audience of one, that “happiness is overrated”.

And indeed it is. What is happiness? And why are human beings conditioned to hunt it down, thinking it’s a constant perpetual natural state that we should be in?

Life, in its organic state, wouldn’t equate to a constant experience of pleasurable moments does it? Is happiness equivalent to pleasure? Or does it connote more?

Happiness I think, would be like bursts of fireworks, temporary and fleeting. Instead, I think maybe what we should be trying to achieve, would a state of being at peace with our lives, as they pan out day after day, being mindful and present in each moment, accepting that pain and unpleasantness are just as much a part of life as happiness and enjoyment could be.

That’s why life is a journey and a ride isn’t it? It is ok that that we don’t feel happy all the time, and there isn’t a need to keep trying to chase after the feeling of being happy because we would only be setting ourselves up for failure, going on a “wild, goose chase”.

Currently reading a book called “The Happiness Trap” which discusses the acceptance and commitment theory (ACT), or therapy; basically telling us to accept painful and uncomfortable feelings and thoughts into our lives, as well as the ‘how’.

I certainly hope it’ll shed some new light to me in how I can better deal with life as it is.

I’m craving for a break. But I’m clueless as to where I should or could head to.


finding peace. letting go.

Four simple words, yet it’s probably one of the hardest things to do.

Whether as a believer or not, we are always advised to “let go”. As a believer, the phrase that follows would be “let God”, and for the non-believer, simply it would be to “not sweat the small things”.

Yet there are also those who advocate exercising control over our lives because we are the masters of our lives, the one who charts our own destiny. But we can’t deny that in life, some things are just beyond our control, be it by some divine intervention or cosmic coincidence, and the best course of action would be to just go with the flow and not try so hard to wrestle an ironclad grip on things and thereby subjecting ourselves to the frustration, stress and helplessness when things don’t go our way.

That, is something I am trying very hard to ingrain in me, to not sweat the small things, slow down and accept that not every moment has to be spent rushing from point to point, place to place, that there are some things that are just beyond my realm of control that should not become the source of my frustration, that there will always be those inconsiderate and idiotic beings ‘that’ (sic) I have to coexist with in this world, and take my time to smell the roses, enjoy life for what it has to offer, as I gradually search out and live the purpose of my life as ordained and planned by God.

Because life is short. And moments short lived. Like the fireworks that are set off in the stark night sky, illuminating the once pitch darkness with their brilliance, if only for those split seconds, with aplomb and gasps of amazement from onlookers, only to leave a smoky trail shortly after, returning the night once more to its initial darkness.

There are times like these, when I can think rationally and calmly, that peace finds its place in my heart.

But yet there are also those times when all calmness departs from me like air escaping a puncture balloon, when hell breaks loose and I struggle to gain any semblance of control over how my thoughts run and which direction they head.

Saturday. Enjoy the weekend, before a new week starts again.

creeping doubts

Boleh. Means “Ok” in Malay, I think?

So am I boleh, or tak boleh?

There are always times when doubts start to creep up on us, like a thief, stealthily, attempting to scrap away the peace that we are painstakingly building up each and every day of our lives.

In a short span of a month or 30 days, so much seemed to have happened that time seems to have really flown by and the 720 hours unrecountable.

It is also with this slippage of time that doubts have started forming, following that almost positive-sounding last post I made. I begin to question if indeed I had erred again, stepped onto a path that will cause me to deviate even more than what I thought I’d planned on doing. If I had, then surely I hadn’t learned my lesson, and have plunged myself deeper into a ravine of no return.

But… as I got reminded, life is always full of unexpected twists and turns. Especially in this time and age, borrowing from the overused term depicting our times – disruption – change is prevalent and necessary. We never know where each step forward will bring us. And taking the biblical perspective, even if I might have missed my footing and embarked on a wrong path, God will always make things good and guide me back, cause doors to be opened for my sake; I only need to believe, and even with each step right or wrong, there will always be a lesson to learn and grow from.

I read today, that “every decision we take in life does make us either a little bit lighter, or heavier.” So is it upon us to make that decision that would cause us to feel lighter, and perhaps then, happier and with greater contentment in life?

do we need to have a purpose?

Something that I used to ponder, from way back, right up till now.

I don’t know if our lives are meant to be purposeful and if it they, what does that even mean.

Do we find purpose in each and every second of our lives, in the relationships that we nurture and keep, in the jobs that we hold, the activities that we engage in, the thoughts that we think, the values that we hold steadfast to, or… what else is there?

To be frank, I do not know if I have ever tried to look for a purpose or search for my heart’s desire in the jobs that I have had over the last… 10-over years. I always questioned if I enjoyed my work enough to want to stay whenever I felt the urge to send in the resignation letter – most of the times, the answer was “No”, which explained the urge in the first place. Maybe I hadn’t thought hard enough, because on hindsight, when we have perfect 6/6 vision, there were some jobs that I guessed I needn’t have left and maybe, just maybe, I might still be sort of contentedly be employed there.

But… after so many years, after so many thoughts and countless gazillions of brain cells fried from thinking so hard, I have come to a sort of conclusion, a sort of truce, and in the midst of it all, to challenge myself to convince me, that a purpose does not need to be in a job, even if I spend the majority of my time, the best years of my life perhaps, the best hours of the day, in it.

I need to tell myself and believe in what I am telling myself, that a job is well, just a job. I may not love it, and I may not find much purpose in it, but it is something that I trade my time for, in exchange for monetary rewards and some kind of other non-monetary rewards – that I can then use for other things, e.g. necessities and wants.

There’s always a caveat though. As much as I do not need to love it, I must not hate it. It must not drain the living daylights and sanity out of me that it affects my well-being beyond its hours and confines, so that I can still live a wholehearted, meaningful life outside of it.

That said, I am still searching for that elusive purpose. I know now, finally perhaps, or maybe I will fathom more as the years go by, that purpose doesn’t have to be there every living, breathing moment, in every thing and every action. There are things we engage in that hold absolutely zero meaning, just because.

I don’t know if all this makes sense, or if as usual I am just rambling. Maybe I am just too tired and my brain isn’t functioning too well. But hopefully, I can find peace now.

in the driver’s seat

An analogy was shared with me recently, as an exercise of sorts for me, to visualise myself as a driver of a bus, heading towards a destination which contains the things that I value in life.

In this bus are several passengers, and my work was to identify and name them, which could be an emotion, a feeling or even a personification of one of these.

I name quite a few, and as I went along I realised how the cacophony that these passengers were creating was causing the bus to detour, to slow down or even to fall into potholes, impeding me from heading towards where the bus was headed.

So what do I do with them?

My first reaction was to offload them. Haha. But I think that wasn’t an option available to the driver, like we’ve seen how the UA passenger was forcefully offloaded and a lawsuit eventually ensued.

The way to respond to them can be to surrender/obey, which really doesn’t help, fight them, which would further cause the bus to slow down or worse head in an entirely different direction because then the bus driver would’ve been distracted, and third, to acknowledge and accept them for what they are. The last seems similar to the first I thought, because both involve not doing anything with/to these noisy rowdy passengers, but therein lies the difference – the driver’s reaction.

Accepting them doesn’t mean obeying. Acknowledging the existence of an emotion or an unpleasant feeling, and accepting it with logic or rationale to refute the untruths, is completely different from bowing in to the crushing weight of the negative emotion, i.e. giving in.

The hard work now would be how I can acknowledge and accept and come up with valid and convincing arguments against them.

Brunch today! Classic Brie sandwich with an Americano. Unfortunately this didn’t seem to provide enough fuel after 2 grueling hours of hot yoga this morning!!


Yay to the fact that the app is still alive and around.


To be honest, while I still lurk and read the posts, I’ve started to grown a little detached. I no longer feel as inclined to post because I don’t know if it will suddenly decide to vanish again. Besides, the community has also grown a little distant. Friendships have formed, been taken offline, and there they have stayed. I don’t think it would be a place where I’ll have the opportunity to make connections that go further than leaving some comments and liking someone’s posts, vice versa.

Perhaps I just am the sort to make friends through the more conventional ways. There are friends I’ve made over the years for whom I can’t really offer up an easy and quick response when someone asks, “so how did you guys meet?” but then it was almost always still through face-to-face meet-ups, even if those happen in the most unlikely times and circumstances.

Oh well, I guess I’ll stick to the same old, and stick to posting here instead.

And.. the combination of sourdough bread, avocado and copious serving of no-salt organic peanut butter… simply divine.

is this the end?

I wonder if this meant that the plug has been pulled for good. There were a couple of April posts that I think hadn’t been exported, and I don’t really get how come the downloaded posts from the file don’t seem to show any images – each image has this little circular cross icon – but oh well. At least I still get to retain the text, and I’ve the back up of almost all the posts already anyway.

I’ve been so tired this entire week it feels like a totally different life I’m leading now. There were things, such as household chores that I had time to do then but now I’m just wiped out the moment I step into my home that I don’t really want to do anything, besides the fact that time just wasn’t on my side as well.

Maybe I’ll need to think about how best to economise my time so that I can still get the minimal done, including laundry.

Or hopefully with time and as I get into the groove of things so to speak, I’ll be better able to juggle this life and not feel so worn out.