Hi there

I have been neglecting this space much. Because I’ve been cheating with a different blogging platform; one that’s easier and faster to update, as well as offering the ease of uploading photos, without limitations of image storage capacity.

But I’ve grown to become reliant on that, because I don’t write to an unknown readership. I connect with fellow users of the space, through comments, and somehow as time goes by, the occasional offer of support and validation had made me start to get used to it, to the extent that I feel as though I’m posting to get validation of what I do, feel, think and act.

It’s unhealthy and can be crippling, when sometimes I may post for the purpose of seeking some words of comfort. But when I don’t receive it, I feel aggrieved and disappointed, wondering why nobody seems to care.

So I thought, maybe I need to put a distance between me and that, to get used again to writing because I enjoy it, because of the catharsis that it provides, because of the articulation of tangible words that I can look back on in days to come, to reflect and perhaps reminisce.

It’s important to seek God, let Him be the one who guides me and gives me the purpose and meaning in my life and what I do. I need to stop letting external factors, people and things, drive the impulses of my emotions and thoughts.

I still like writing.

So maybe I’ll pop back here again.

happy 2019

It’s a new year.

And with a new calendar that signifies new beginnings, does it also herald a fresh start of what my life could be and should be?

I want to let God guide me and I want badly to let go of obsessively trying to control what can never within my realm of control but how can my humanly mind and body relinquish that little semblance of ‘power’ that I seem to exert over something, in a life that feels like everything and anything that can, is spinning out of my weak grasp.

Yet… in the last few months, I think I’ve caught slight glimpses of light peeking through. I feel like I’m slowly breaking through the surface of that once impenetrable layer that separates me from fresh air, from light, from sanity, from hope, and life. From God.

Once too often, I get suckled back by the strong pull of the undercurrents but I’m fighting and struggling to swim my way to that speck of brightness that twinkles ever so slightly, that sometimes eludes me, which I’m desperately trying to keep in sight so that I don’t once more sink back to the depths and get trapped under again.

So I don’t know… where this is going.

I suppose… as life is a journey, even as the work has already been finished by Jesus at the cross, for me… I’ll always be a work in progress. I’ll always have my flaws and imperfections and I’ll always have moments where I’ll falter and fall off the way. That’s what makes Jesus all the more important isn’t it? I need all the hope I can pin on Him to give me the strength to carry on. I feel worn and tired, like a candle that’s run out of wick with the flame flickering dangerously disappearing into the growing pool of hot melty wax.

Sigh. Till the next time.

blurring the edges

Everyday the fatigue just clouds me so much, I just want to curl myself into a cocoon and shut out the world.

Yet there are also those very same moments where I would long for a word, a smile, a warm hug, or even just a person there to listen to me rant, extol, grouse, or ramble.

Ironies of life never cease, as we are self-contradictory beings, not knowing what it is that we want and truly seek. In this aimless and directionless journey that we walk, day after day, month and month, that grows into years and reflects in the gradual greying of the hair.

What am I doing? Why am I here? When will I wake up? Where am I headed? Who am I? How will all these end?

Family…?

A belated Mid-Autumn.

Yesterday was the fifteen day of the eighth month of the Lunar calendar, also known as Mid-Autumn festival, or 中秋节.

It was supposed to be a time of reunion, or that was the kind of impression I got, where families gather, usually in these days, to eat.

As it was a Monday, of course that wasn’t something that would happen in my case because it is a working day after all. So it was another typical day that I spent no different from any other work day. Especially a Monday.

Family.

We had dinner together just last weekend, because apparently, after so many years of us being family, my father suddenly shared a piece of information with us – that the 15th day of the eighth lunar month is also their wedding anniversary! Well, my mum said she doesn’t remember that. Haha. Talk about reversal of roles.

So we thought it would be nice to celebrate it for them but also to take the opportunity for a family dinner, since we did ask if they would like to have a private dinner with just the two of them but I think my parents are the family-sort of people who would rather have dinner with the rest of us.

Conversation flowed easily at dinner. We went to some really secluded and rustic place that serves Western-fusion food, tucked in a private residential estate in the north, but being located in such a hard-to-go place didn’t prevent people from knowing about it. It was actually quite crowded when we went, and it really brought me to out of this city. It didn’t feel like Singapore at all, but more like some beach/resort area eatery. It was also there that my legs became dinner for the mosquitoes – I noticed a few days later that I had about 8 bites on my shins.

Food was decent and service was alright, though not prompt, due to the crowd. Conversation was light and flowed easily throughout the night as we indulged in the savoury fare. It did bring about some fuzzy warm feeling around my heart, but… that was about it.

I thought back at that night, and wondered how these people with whom I sat with around the dinner table, are the ones who are supposed to be the closest and dearest to me in life so far and most likely for a good many more years ahead. But, for this same group of people, they are comfortably unaware or who chose to not be aware, of the crippling dark thoughts that permeated my mind these few years. That just in the recent years, there were episodes where I had contemplated life’s meaning, or the lack of it, and felt like submitting to the hopelessness and helplessness through the open window of my living room.

Maybe. What family means is simply the blood relation that we are bonded by. That same blood and DNA that are in us by virtue that we are born of mum and dad. Aside from that, there seems to be nothing much else. And that may just be what I need to convince myself to accept, to stop expecting anything else from them anymore.

We come to world with nothing, and we will leave with nothing. So in this life, do we hope or desire to acquire and possess anything? Because nothing will ever be ours to lay claim on.

It is ok to not be happy

Modern positive psychology would have tricked us into believing that our natural and default state is one of happiness, filled with rainbows and butterflies, and where we will all live happily ever after.

That has made us gone on an unceasing and relentless, and more devastatingly, doomed-to-fail, chase for happiness. So much so that in this pursuit of that state, we wear ourselves out, burn ourselves up and make us even more unhappy than ever.

I recalled passing a comment that almost got me an rousing round of applause, ok I jest, it was just to an audience of one, that “happiness is overrated”.

And indeed it is. What is happiness? And why are human beings conditioned to hunt it down, thinking it’s a constant perpetual natural state that we should be in?

Life, in its organic state, wouldn’t equate to a constant experience of pleasurable moments does it? Is happiness equivalent to pleasure? Or does it connote more?

Happiness I think, would be like bursts of fireworks, temporary and fleeting. Instead, I think maybe what we should be trying to achieve, would a state of being at peace with our lives, as they pan out day after day, being mindful and present in each moment, accepting that pain and unpleasantness are just as much a part of life as happiness and enjoyment could be.

That’s why life is a journey and a ride isn’t it? It is ok that that we don’t feel happy all the time, and there isn’t a need to keep trying to chase after the feeling of being happy because we would only be setting ourselves up for failure, going on a “wild, goose chase”.

Currently reading a book called “The Happiness Trap” which discusses the acceptance and commitment theory (ACT), or therapy; basically telling us to accept painful and uncomfortable feelings and thoughts into our lives, as well as the ‘how’.

I certainly hope it’ll shed some new light to me in how I can better deal with life as it is.

I’m craving for a break. But I’m clueless as to where I should or could head to.

finding peace. letting go.

Four simple words, yet it’s probably one of the hardest things to do.

Whether as a believer or not, we are always advised to “let go”. As a believer, the phrase that follows would be “let God”, and for the non-believer, simply it would be to “not sweat the small things”.

Yet there are also those who advocate exercising control over our lives because we are the masters of our lives, the one who charts our own destiny. But we can’t deny that in life, some things are just beyond our control, be it by some divine intervention or cosmic coincidence, and the best course of action would be to just go with the flow and not try so hard to wrestle an ironclad grip on things and thereby subjecting ourselves to the frustration, stress and helplessness when things don’t go our way.

That, is something I am trying very hard to ingrain in me, to not sweat the small things, slow down and accept that not every moment has to be spent rushing from point to point, place to place, that there are some things that are just beyond my realm of control that should not become the source of my frustration, that there will always be those inconsiderate and idiotic beings ‘that’ (sic) I have to coexist with in this world, and take my time to smell the roses, enjoy life for what it has to offer, as I gradually search out and live the purpose of my life as ordained and planned by God.

Because life is short. And moments short lived. Like the fireworks that are set off in the stark night sky, illuminating the once pitch darkness with their brilliance, if only for those split seconds, with aplomb and gasps of amazement from onlookers, only to leave a smoky trail shortly after, returning the night once more to its initial darkness.

There are times like these, when I can think rationally and calmly, that peace finds its place in my heart.

But yet there are also those times when all calmness departs from me like air escaping a puncture balloon, when hell breaks loose and I struggle to gain any semblance of control over how my thoughts run and which direction they head.

Saturday. Enjoy the weekend, before a new week starts again.