Jaded.

Help me to seek You. And to let go of all unnecessary and unproductive things in life that I am wrongly focusing my energy and efforts on. Of things that are not needful or that do not serve anymore or at all. Of things I’m blindly chasing.

Our each and every day is too short to spend precious moments agonising over things and people that and who we should not need to, but instead divert them to those that are more worth the effort and time.

two sides to everything

Sometimes hearing sounds and melodies from past years dredge back long forgotten memories that had been tucked deeply into the corners of our memory banks.

The memories are almost always accompanied with some emotions that range from wistful nostalgia as one recalls with fondness those past experiences whether shared with someone else or as an individual; to the slight dull aching for what had passed and is gone with the wind of time’s passage, earning itself a page in history that we have lost for good.

The way our emotions are stirred in such instances probably reflect our state of mind, whether we reminisce the past or we long to return to it. One being forward looking and the other backward. It’s no good living in the past because then we can’t move forward but when we are at a stage where we can’t seem to envision anything beyond the day or the hour, how can we blame ourselves for only having a past to cling on to, for old times sake?

While we use social media to document our thoughts, whether impetuously or by some measured deliberation of what and when to post, I sometimes question my intention if it’s meant to seek empathy, sympathy or resonance? If it’s none of these, why do I bother offering these inner thoughts and rumination, that should be best left locked away from prying eyes, to the World Wide Web for anyone and everyone to see and perhaps one day be used against me as a weaponised tool?

Do we unfairly burden people we share our sob stories with and when do we stop and draw the line? How do we recognise and accept boundaries without overthinking and making everything about us but rather that actions of someone else are motivated by a series of thought processes that most likely do not include us in a negative way? When do we start to pull back and know when it may be time to put up that wall again, to re-build that defence around myself to protect myself and ring myself back in and learn that actually we come to this world alone and it’s totally ok that we just stay and someday leave alone? It hurts sometimes at the most unexpected moments when we are at our most vulnerable which is when the cut strikes the deepest and the wounds grow and fester and never seem to be able to heal.

Will this ever end and whence have the coping mechanisms started kicking in again, that serve only as a temporary crutch that solve no problem but create a plethora of many other issues that at best I struggle to deal with.

it rears its ugly head

What is it called?

Passive aggression? I can’t recall when I detected this ugly side of me.

As quickly as warmth sets in that facilitates the ease of opening up to people, it clamps up and shuts down just as quickly with a vengeance and bitter aftertaste.

At the slightest sense of any misaligned reciprocity, something just kicks in to pull back as though flinching from pain inflicted by a flame. Was this a result of past hurts that have built a protective wall around myself, before any further damage can be caused?

That defense mechanism is counterproductive to say the least but it sets in instinctively to gird my heart against potential hurt. It is blind to the counterpart, it only seeks to safeguard what is inside and therefore brings down the gates to shield the heart with a shroud of coldness to avoid pain.

Everyone seeks love, in a way they wish to be loved. Unfortunately we don’t always receive it the way we hope to have, if we even knew how we needed to be loved by another.

Having experienced a little goodness makes one greedy for more, and the desperation to cling onto whatever tiny bit of kindness has developed into an unhealthy possessiveness, something so regressive and unhelpful.

Does it all stem from a lack of self awareness, an overbearing self absorption, a nonexistent sense of self esteem or simply a fear of loss?

What is this game of cha cha of life that I have to constantly be schooled in and kept up to date, giving and receiving, chipping in and pulling back at the right times, holding on and letting go?

Introspection

It can be such a distressing and crippling activity.

It takes another person to ask the right questions to dig deeper, answers to questions that you never wanted to face but badly needed to. That’s what counsellors are meant to do. Yet it’s painful and extremely raw on all fronts.

Why has this been inflicted on me, where did my happy carefree self go to? I’m just a remnant and shadow of who and what I used to be, although I have lost sight of when the little nuances of change had crept in so stealthily, gradually infiltrating my being and polluting the serenity and whatever little bursts of sunshine I ever possessed within.

Would the day come when these chains are loosed from me for good, or that I may catch a glimpse of some speckle of light which I can gravitate to, regain any ounce of sanity and stability in my thoughts, allowing myself to discover and experience happiness once more?

Empty

That’s what I feel.

On days when you see how other people seem to have other people to share their days, lives and special moments with, I’m retreated back home to emptiness.

Perhaps it is a matter of perspective, whether it’s lonesome or solitude. It is a choice how to look at the situation or feel about it, but it’s always easier to give in to what human beings are wont and wired to experience, that is, the set of negative emotions and thoughts.

Happiness is not, and should not be the default state we feel, because it’s not sustainable. We just need to be in a state of peace at abc with ourselves and lives, where spurts of happiness or sadness, disappointments, rage, exhilaration and a whole lot of other states of emotions will occur from time to time.

I know it’s a mindset. And that thinking the right thoughts will help me out of this funk. But I cannot yet overcome that feeling, that niggling insecurity, that no one really wants to spend time with me on holidays. I’m not one of those whom they’ll think of when they’re thinking of spending some quality time on non working days. It’s depressing and sad, but this again is looking inwards and internalising things. Because it isn’t about me and what it is about me that results in this, but it’s a choice made by another person which I’ve zero control over.

Maybe I have a little say; if only I were a nicer person to hang out with…?

I can rationalise it but it doesn’t mean I’m accepting it and willing myself to believe in this to life my emotional state.

Why…

I’d always think to myself, did God make me.. and then allow all these things to happen to me?

Was it to test my faith in His grace, love and provision?

Many times, I’ve been tired and wished I could call it quits. Several times, I’ve come close but the rational part of me that survives and clings on by a thread always pulls me back.

Recently, I’ve felt a regression. It was like, even though many have told me of the vast improvements they’ve witnessed in me, there was a part of me that knew things were lurking beneath, waiting for the opportune moment to counter-strike.

In a short span of days, many things have happened. In the grand scheme of things, they appeared to be mundane and trivial, but throw this into the mix of emotional instability and you get a potent resultant effect of the black dog resurfacing with a vengeance.

Gazing towards the window that seems to beckon and promises deliverance and liberation from pain that is so intangible I finally understand why people choose to cause themselves physical pain because it gives tangibility to the pain and maybe distract me from the invisible yet crippling pain inside; from the tears that have fallen so easily and so copiously, as I marvel at how quickly they pool up and descend in large droplets from the corners of my eyes.

Why are you letting these things happen to me, God? Why did You bring me to this world to undergo so much pain and torment? Why is life so arduous and treacherous, difficult to maneuver and flow through? Are these really meant to be challenges to make me grow? These lessons are so painful to bear… I really don’t know if I’ll ever get through them eventually.

Can I press Esc, or Ctrl+Alt+Del?

tired

So tired, wondering when everything would ever come to an end.

Yes, life is a journey but I’m running out of strength, energy, motivation, purpose, and the ability to carry on.

Can I just call it quits right now?