There are days when I feel like a piece of driftwood at sea.
A lot has always been told to me, advice that is well-intentioned but which after a while becomes repetitive whether to me or the giver of advice, who then gets tired because to them, not seeing any change in me suggests perhaps that I’m given to my situation and unwilling to heed advice and strive to crawl out of the rut.
It’s a little more than heart wrenching to entertain the thought that I’m not and probably will never be as important as how I’d wished for myself to be, to someone else. Putting it simply, that there just isn’t that closeness and tightness of relationships that I experience, though it does make me self reflect too, if I have not put in more effort on my part. What is lacking in me and what else do I need to do and give? Or is this the reason that God blesses us with different personalities and levels of independence so that perhaps in my case I can learn to rely more on myself and not others? It has however caused me much bitterness and resentment over the years and may also have been a contributing factor to learning this behaviour of not knowing how to rely and turn to Him. Because I just don’t know how.
Increasingly, the passing days have mired me in self doubt, hopelessness and lacking any anticipation of what is to come, resigned to a state of simply existing and not having anything to look forward to.
Maybe it is a mindset change that is needed but it isn’t as easy and simple as the flick of a switch in the brain because it is a complex thing that nobody really understands, not the experts, and not oneself. We can only learn by trial and error, and sometimes these trials and errors although necessary, may prove counterproductive and result in even more problems and issues.
I think someone once told me, “Be happy”. As simple as those two words appear, they are so loaded with meaning and ambiguity at the same time, and instantly brought tears to the brim of my eyes.