Sigh. If only..

Life just feels so tiring.

Indeed it’s all very inward looking when my view is somehow just always focused on the self and only indulging in self-introspection all the time.

If only life has a standard operating procedure for us to flip through to know how to go about it because there’s just too many times I’ve trialed and erred. Failed. In every single aspect.

How much more do I need to do? With regards to everything? How much exercise do I need to do, or how much more do I need to do or what else do I need to cut from what I eat or eat more of what or less of what so that I can keep the weight to a number that I can control through my actions? How much work do I have to keep “volunteering” myself for or not turn down and say no to before I can then not be seen as someone who isn’t proactive or who “draws the lines”? Or how many more job applications do I need to send before I will finally land a job? How can I get myself to be free from neighbours who seemed to be there every single waking moment to torment me like it’s their life purpose to do so?

It’s interesting, for lack of a better word, that influenza that we’ve sort of come to accept as a common ailment in our lives, can be a deadly condition that has claimed many lives in the past, not just SARS or the current novel coronavirus. It made me wished somehow that the flu bug I had recently was from the strain because then it seems like a less painful way to die, and liberate me from all the vicissitudes of life and the internal demons that trap my mind constantly.

Perhaps if a specimen volunteer was needed for testing purposes if treatments were being developed, I should put myself up for such experiments. After all, there’s really nothing more for me to lose and everything for me to gain even if in the event they fail.