Last night I was somehow once again given in to being overly affected by the noises that were created all around the neighbouring units.
I sat on my living room floor and as I looked around the small space that although I wasn’t proud enough of to want to ever invite anyone to come share in my home that I’m working to pay off the loan for, the home that my father lovingly helped me to put together even with numerous defects and lack of the professional quality of a renovation contractor, it spells of a love that cannot be measured by dollars and cents or that cannot be quantified by the quality that’s known by professional standards.
I digress. As I let my gaze travel around I just couldn’t help letting the large drops of tears gather in my eyes and I started sobbing because I felt like my life is just a giant mess and I just couldn’t seem to walk out of this huge hole I’ve dug myself into.
The only good thing was that after I’d let the tears fall, when it finally stopped I could sort of move on for that moment, pull myself together and then started to read a little before I went to bed.
My friend told me I was becoming too self obsessed. I struggled with reconciling that term with self absorption which I’ve often called myself out on. Yet I wouldn’t call myself a narcissist because I definitely don’t love myself the way narcissism speaks of. In fact on so many days I hate myself so much I wished I could give my remaining living years to someone who is more deserving of it. I feel that living is so exhausting and that thinking this way was already a violation of the love that some of the people who care doles on me. I may not have many friends or those who care but I can’t deny there are some who do and even if they aren’t always available when I need them, they don’t need to be and I shouldn’t expect them to be because we all have our own lives to lead and destinies to fulfil. Yet I need to tell myself that’s the reason why we have some friends we hold dear to our hearts and also why there are times we need to be independent, and constantly seek the Lord.
I am insecure all the time but I don’t know how and when I’ll find the grounding in Christ to make myself feel that I’m worthy as a person and don’t need to compare or seek validation from external sources, most of the time from people who don’t even care or who don’t matter at all.
It isn’t about the environment that I need to change but inside of me that’s the change that needs to take place but how, and when will that happen? How do people do the “letting go” that I’ve always heard and read about? What does it entail and when is the overlap between me doing or God doing, how do I let Him while still not languishing in a state of inactivity? What does it feel like to have your heart rest in the peace from the Holy Spirit as I go about what I do and not worry or attach any expectations to what I’m doing?