lost in the crowd

Christmas.

Throngs of people out to enjoy the holiday off, shopping the post-Christmas sales perhaps?

Shopping has lost its lustre for me over the last few years. Times when I’ll walk past or into a store, attracted by something that caught my eye, but nine of ten times, I’ve walked away empty handed. Or more. I won’t count trips to the department store to replenish skincare items, or drugstores to replenish selfcare items, because those are a necessity. Groceries don’t count either. These days, my money goes to mainly food and fitness, after factoring in skincare, bills, personal care, insurance, home loan, and transport.

Exercising is one of my greatest ways to distract me from the constant obsession with food. Once in a while I can get my mind to take its focus off food, when I’m in class, struggling to breathe to stay conscious or struggling to balance or ensure I don’t pass out from a palpitating heart about to explode against my ribs.

Christmas came and went. It made me die a little more inside as my once rekindled faith in people gets gradually chipped off once more, bit by bit, slowly but surely.

If only I can just be done with people.

shifting the focus

The “western” version of eggs and toast, a slight deviation from my usual breakfast of toast (with no eggs). Instead of peanut butter, I get butter; instead of a couple slices of crispy toast I had a slice of white toast that wasn’t very as crisp because of the oil seeping out from the fried eggs. Somehow it didn’t feel as satiating, even though I ate the eggs whole – yes, including the yolks! I used to leave the yolks behind because eating only egg whites means lesser calories. But honestly, that’s stupid. Well ok, there are people who eat copious amounts of whites and throw away the yolks, because maybe they need ten eggs but obviously they can’t eat ten yolks at one go. But a pair of eggs isn’t going to make me fat. If anything, hopefully my body and brain will start to register that I’m satiated and quit thinking about feeding myself with MORE food despite that I’ve just finished my brunch.

Met a friend for lunch last Friday, and I decided to go with my heart’s desire and ordered the egg mayonnaise and cheese croissant. It isn’t a healthy option and the former me would NEVER eat mayonnaise or croissants for that matter. Making baby steps in the direction of allowing myself to eat these “unsafe” foods, despite that my mind is still geared towards feeling the instant guilt for eating it, still charts a little bit of progress I guess?

Over the holiday season, I kept feeling like I’ve become a forgotten relic, that the world has forgotten me and left me behind, as I become porous and transparent and fade into oblivion.

I am thankful for the one or two persons who have made me feel otherwise but too many have contributed to that obnoxious and unhelpful thought. It’s not a right framing, I acknowledge that. I need to learn to love myself more and not abuse myself and my time with all sorts of activities and actions simply because other people aren’t available to meet up with me, or who have just ignored me totally.

These are the people who I should just let go of even if it means my already small social circle shrinks even further. I should trust God that He will bring people into my life as needed, and these instances could just be life’s way of making me learn to be enough on my own and that it doesn’t take other people to make me feel like I have a single ounce of worth.

I wonder how long this journey is going to take.