With the festive mood growing palpably stronger as the days counting down to Christmas and the new year, a brand new decade, get lesser, the pangs of loneliness start to increasingly and stealthily creep up on me.
It feels sad when I see friends posting on social media of gatherings and meetups punctuated with apparent mirth and revelry, while I struggle to even successfully arrange any of those perhaps because I haven’t been quick enough to do so and when it comes to such meetups a lot of advance notice is needed?
With too many rejections, each “Sorry…” just gnaws away at whatever self-confidence in me and chips away the little bit of hope I’d started to grow in trying to strengthen the connections I’d thought are worth investing more effort into.
Christmas is my favourite time of the year but it also has become the time when I feel most alone because of what else is happening for others that isn’t for me. I don’t want to feel miserable and pity for myself or let myself slide into that downward spiral but I only then employ an escapist route to distract myself from the pain which doesn’t address the cause or solve the problem.
I know there’s lot to be thankful for. So does it make me worse off that I’m aware but not moving in where I am supposed to make myself go, as compared to if I wasn’t aware what I shouldn’t be doing and indulging in?