The last day

It’s the end of the year 2019, and it’s also the last day of the decade.

It’s been a few years since I’ve decided against making any new year resolutions because it felt just like a symbolism that isn’t really necessary. As we are all works in progress, and life is just a never ending journey, there really is no point to set resolutions on a yearly basis, struggling to keep them or resorting to rolling them to the next year, which I’d did back then when “getting a driver’s license” was something that featured on the list for many years until I decided that I’m not going to learn driving and will just be content taking public transportation whether it be buses, subways, taxis or private hire cars.

For the new year and new decade however, I’d still wish and try to work towards certain goals. I want to live my life better and I will refuse (as much as I possibly can) to let myself be subjugated to “emotional abuse” by others. My insecure self has constantly sought external validation and acceptance from people, and most times these are people who aren’t even worth my putting them into that position of power over my mental state and wellbeing. I want to focus myself, my time, and my efforts on people who matter, people who treat me with respect and people who will aid me towards becoming a better version of myself.

I don’t need for people to make me feel lousy about myself or to make me feel that I need to seek their acceptance, their friendship or simply just a connection. It’s sad I’ll admit, that I’ve let myself sink to that level, akin to groveling for their acceptance… but that’s a thing I need to rid myself of and put behind for good.

As the year begins and progresses, I guess I’ll write more and perhaps document if there’s any improvement in aligning how I live out my life with how I’ve envisioned it to be. Right now, I’m just glad for a bit of peace to myself, committing to myself to journal daily, maybe not exclusively on this space, but I want to get in touch with my inner self and thoughts daily, and also try to spend a bit of time reading daily.

To a new beginning. Happy new year.

choices and changes

I can’t recall if I’ve written about this, when a friend of mine, or maybe more (friends), had called me out on whining yet not being willing to commit to making changes that can and probably will help to alleviate or address the problem/issue that I whine about.

Being the defensive sort that I am, the flags and alarm bells were raised instantly as I felt wrongly accused of me not wanting to make changes to turn the situation around, because in my constricted view of my life, in which I’d already preselected the role of a victim, I was just the unfortunate result of circumstances entirely beyond my sphere of control and that there was NOTHING I could do that would help. In other words, as cliche as it sounds, “I don’t have a choice”.

But the reality is that, in almost everything, we do in fact have a choice. Even in the most dire of situations, we still have a choice somewhat. Maybe not in solving the problem but rather addressing the issue in a way such as altering our perspectives that bring us into a better headspace instead of ruminating and dwelling only on the bad and perpetuating the negative energy further.

In that regard, I have been guilty then, as what my friend rightly pointed out, of complaining and “going in circles” yet not willing to step out of my comfort zone. Because the truth is that, as much as the current situation may be bad, it is undeniably familiar and ‘safe’. It is similar to situations where victims of abuse keep returning and getting themselves into abusive relationships because they are so used to it that a relationship not marked by abuse feels strange, unfamiliar and even unsafe.

So it really behoves me to take the initiative and the first step, no matter how small it is, to change. I may not really know exactly where I’m headed or if the direction I’m hoping to move in is the right one or if it’s even clear, but the point is that if I don’t shuffle my feet out of where they currently are grounded and rooted, I will never know what possibilities there are out there, good or bad. We learn from mistakes and grow, whether it be a painful lesson or not, the important thing is to learn from it and hopefully not repeat it if we can help it.

Hoping to move out of a place of dated and limited perspective into one of liberation, flow and simplicity – all aligned and meshed in a cohesive manner – towards where I really would want to be, step by step, discovering and affirming along the way. After all, life is supposed to be a journey and process and there perhaps is not a clear and definite destination in sight ever.

Hoping that in the coming year and years to come, I can keep on moving in a generally positive direction by His grace and leading. On this second last day of the decade, may this thought sparked continue to burn bright.

lost in the crowd

Christmas.

Throngs of people out to enjoy the holiday off, shopping the post-Christmas sales perhaps?

Shopping has lost its lustre for me over the last few years. Times when I’ll walk past or into a store, attracted by something that caught my eye, but nine of ten times, I’ve walked away empty handed. Or more. I won’t count trips to the department store to replenish skincare items, or drugstores to replenish selfcare items, because those are a necessity. Groceries don’t count either. These days, my money goes to mainly food and fitness, after factoring in skincare, bills, personal care, insurance, home loan, and transport.

Exercising is one of my greatest ways to distract me from the constant obsession with food. Once in a while I can get my mind to take its focus off food, when I’m in class, struggling to breathe to stay conscious or struggling to balance or ensure I don’t pass out from a palpitating heart about to explode against my ribs.

Christmas came and went. It made me die a little more inside as my once rekindled faith in people gets gradually chipped off once more, bit by bit, slowly but surely.

If only I can just be done with people.

shifting the focus

The “western” version of eggs and toast, a slight deviation from my usual breakfast of toast (with no eggs). Instead of peanut butter, I get butter; instead of a couple slices of crispy toast I had a slice of white toast that wasn’t very as crisp because of the oil seeping out from the fried eggs. Somehow it didn’t feel as satiating, even though I ate the eggs whole – yes, including the yolks! I used to leave the yolks behind because eating only egg whites means lesser calories. But honestly, that’s stupid. Well ok, there are people who eat copious amounts of whites and throw away the yolks, because maybe they need ten eggs but obviously they can’t eat ten yolks at one go. But a pair of eggs isn’t going to make me fat. If anything, hopefully my body and brain will start to register that I’m satiated and quit thinking about feeding myself with MORE food despite that I’ve just finished my brunch.

Met a friend for lunch last Friday, and I decided to go with my heart’s desire and ordered the egg mayonnaise and cheese croissant. It isn’t a healthy option and the former me would NEVER eat mayonnaise or croissants for that matter. Making baby steps in the direction of allowing myself to eat these “unsafe” foods, despite that my mind is still geared towards feeling the instant guilt for eating it, still charts a little bit of progress I guess?

Over the holiday season, I kept feeling like I’ve become a forgotten relic, that the world has forgotten me and left me behind, as I become porous and transparent and fade into oblivion.

I am thankful for the one or two persons who have made me feel otherwise but too many have contributed to that obnoxious and unhelpful thought. It’s not a right framing, I acknowledge that. I need to learn to love myself more and not abuse myself and my time with all sorts of activities and actions simply because other people aren’t available to meet up with me, or who have just ignored me totally.

These are the people who I should just let go of even if it means my already small social circle shrinks even further. I should trust God that He will bring people into my life as needed, and these instances could just be life’s way of making me learn to be enough on my own and that it doesn’t take other people to make me feel like I have a single ounce of worth.

I wonder how long this journey is going to take.

Merry Christmas

A little sweet treat from the yoga studio.

Merry Christmas!

Would this much-loved festive season, my favourite of the lot, become one that I’ll start to dislike?

My sweet treat to myself.

Change comes when we want to make it, when we cross that psychological barrier to break out of the chains of habit. Question is, are we willing and ready to do so? Prepared to accept and face up to whatever preconceived notions of imagined or real fears that accompany letting go of those habits?

Full surrender comes when we trust in the way of our maker, that despite the situations we’re in, there’s a greater purpose that we’re being created to fulfil and pursue, in glory of the one who brought us to being. Can we fully surrender without being so cognisant of our own self efforts (and struggles)?

Am I ready?

spontaneous combustion

Amid all that bustling of activity all over the town with shoppers rushing to do their last minute Christmas shopping or hurrying on their way to Christmas gatherings, one thought crept up that stood out starkly – I just wish I could die and not continue to be part of a world and society that I no longer belong to.

I’m just intrigued by how drastic emotional states can swing.

holiday syndrome

With the festive mood growing palpably stronger as the days counting down to Christmas and the new year, a brand new decade, get lesser, the pangs of loneliness start to increasingly and stealthily creep up on me.

It feels sad when I see friends posting on social media of gatherings and meetups punctuated with apparent mirth and revelry, while I struggle to even successfully arrange any of those perhaps because I haven’t been quick enough to do so and when it comes to such meetups a lot of advance notice is needed?

With too many rejections, each “Sorry…” just gnaws away at whatever self-confidence in me and chips away the little bit of hope I’d started to grow in trying to strengthen the connections I’d thought are worth investing more effort into.

Christmas is my favourite time of the year but it also has become the time when I feel most alone because of what else is happening for others that isn’t for me. I don’t want to feel miserable and pity for myself or let myself slide into that downward spiral but I only then employ an escapist route to distract myself from the pain which doesn’t address the cause or solve the problem.

I know there’s lot to be thankful for. So does it make me worse off that I’m aware but not moving in where I am supposed to make myself go, as compared to if I wasn’t aware what I shouldn’t be doing and indulging in?