two sides to everything

Sometimes hearing sounds and melodies from past years dredge back long forgotten memories that had been tucked deeply into the corners of our memory banks.

The memories are almost always accompanied with some emotions that range from wistful nostalgia as one recalls with fondness those past experiences whether shared with someone else or as an individual; to the slight dull aching for what had passed and is gone with the wind of time’s passage, earning itself a page in history that we have lost for good.

The way our emotions are stirred in such instances probably reflect our state of mind, whether we reminisce the past or we long to return to it. One being forward looking and the other backward. It’s no good living in the past because then we can’t move forward but when we are at a stage where we can’t seem to envision anything beyond the day or the hour, how can we blame ourselves for only having a past to cling on to, for old times sake?

While we use social media to document our thoughts, whether impetuously or by some measured deliberation of what and when to post, I sometimes question my intention if it’s meant to seek empathy, sympathy or resonance? If it’s none of these, why do I bother offering these inner thoughts and rumination, that should be best left locked away from prying eyes, to the World Wide Web for anyone and everyone to see and perhaps one day be used against me as a weaponised tool?

Do we unfairly burden people we share our sob stories with and when do we stop and draw the line? How do we recognise and accept boundaries without overthinking and making everything about us but rather that actions of someone else are motivated by a series of thought processes that most likely do not include us in a negative way? When do we start to pull back and know when it may be time to put up that wall again, to re-build that defence around myself to protect myself and ring myself back in and learn that actually we come to this world alone and it’s totally ok that we just stay and someday leave alone? It hurts sometimes at the most unexpected moments when we are at our most vulnerable which is when the cut strikes the deepest and the wounds grow and fester and never seem to be able to heal.

Will this ever end and whence have the coping mechanisms started kicking in again, that serve only as a temporary crutch that solve no problem but create a plethora of many other issues that at best I struggle to deal with.