it rears its ugly head

What is it called?

Passive aggression? I can’t recall when I detected this ugly side of me.

As quickly as warmth sets in that facilitates the ease of opening up to people, it clamps up and shuts down just as quickly with a vengeance and bitter aftertaste.

At the slightest sense of any misaligned reciprocity, something just kicks in to pull back as though flinching from pain inflicted by a flame. Was this a result of past hurts that have built a protective wall around myself, before any further damage can be caused?

That defense mechanism is counterproductive to say the least but it sets in instinctively to gird my heart against potential hurt. It is blind to the counterpart, it only seeks to safeguard what is inside and therefore brings down the gates to shield the heart with a shroud of coldness to avoid pain.

Everyone seeks love, in a way they wish to be loved. Unfortunately we don’t always receive it the way we hope to have, if we even knew how we needed to be loved by another.

Having experienced a little goodness makes one greedy for more, and the desperation to cling onto whatever tiny bit of kindness has developed into an unhealthy possessiveness, something so regressive and unhelpful.

Does it all stem from a lack of self awareness, an overbearing self absorption, a nonexistent sense of self esteem or simply a fear of loss?

What is this game of cha cha of life that I have to constantly be schooled in and kept up to date, giving and receiving, chipping in and pulling back at the right times, holding on and letting go?

Introspection

It can be such a distressing and crippling activity.

It takes another person to ask the right questions to dig deeper, answers to questions that you never wanted to face but badly needed to. That’s what counsellors are meant to do. Yet it’s painful and extremely raw on all fronts.

Why has this been inflicted on me, where did my happy carefree self go to? I’m just a remnant and shadow of who and what I used to be, although I have lost sight of when the little nuances of change had crept in so stealthily, gradually infiltrating my being and polluting the serenity and whatever little bursts of sunshine I ever possessed within.

Would the day come when these chains are loosed from me for good, or that I may catch a glimpse of some speckle of light which I can gravitate to, regain any ounce of sanity and stability in my thoughts, allowing myself to discover and experience happiness once more?