That’s what I feel.

On days when you see how other people seem to have other people to share their days, lives and special moments with, I’m retreated back home to emptiness.

Perhaps it is a matter of perspective, whether it’s lonesome or solitude. It is a choice how to look at the situation or feel about it, but it’s always easier to give in to what human beings are wont and wired to experience, that is, the set of negative emotions and thoughts.

Happiness is not, and should not be the default state we feel, because it’s not sustainable. We just need to be in a state of peace at abc with ourselves and lives, where spurts of happiness or sadness, disappointments, rage, exhilaration and a whole lot of other states of emotions will occur from time to time.

I know it’s a mindset. And that thinking the right thoughts will help me out of this funk. But I cannot yet overcome that feeling, that niggling insecurity, that no one really wants to spend time with me on holidays. I’m not one of those whom they’ll think of when they’re thinking of spending some quality time on non working days. It’s depressing and sad, but this again is looking inwards and internalising things. Because it isn’t about me and what it is about me that results in this, but it’s a choice made by another person which I’ve zero control over.

Maybe I have a little say; if only I were a nicer person to hang out with…?

I can rationalise it but it doesn’t mean I’m accepting it and willing myself to believe in this to life my emotional state.