do we need to have a purpose?

Something that I used to ponder, from way back, right up till now.

I don’t know if our lives are meant to be purposeful and if it they, what does that even mean.

Do we find purpose in each and every second of our lives, in the relationships that we nurture and keep, in the jobs that we hold, the activities that we engage in, the thoughts that we think, the values that we hold steadfast to, or… what else is there?

To be frank, I do not know if I have ever tried to look for a purpose or search for my heart’s desire in the jobs that I have had over the last… 10-over years. I always questioned if I enjoyed my work enough to want to stay whenever I felt the urge to send in the resignation letter – most of the times, the answer was “No”, which explained the urge in the first place. Maybe I hadn’t thought hard enough, because on hindsight, when we have perfect 6/6 vision, there were some jobs that I guessed I needn’t have left and maybe, just maybe, I might still be sort of contentedly be employed there.

But… after so many years, after so many thoughts and countless gazillions of brain cells fried from thinking so hard, I have come to a sort of conclusion, a sort of truce, and in the midst of it all, to challenge myself to convince me, that a purpose does not need to be in a job, even if I spend the majority of my time, the best years of my life perhaps, the best hours of the day, in it.

I need to tell myself and believe in what I am telling myself, that a job is well, just a job. I may not love it, and I may not find much purpose in it, but it is something that I trade my time for, in exchange for monetary rewards and some kind of other non-monetary rewards – that I can then use for other things, e.g. necessities and wants.

There’s always a caveat though. As much as I do not need to love it, I must not hate it. It must not drain the living daylights and sanity out of me that it affects my well-being beyond its hours and confines, so that I can still live a wholehearted, meaningful life outside of it.

That said, I am still searching for that elusive purpose. I know now, finally perhaps, or maybe I will fathom more as the years go by, that purpose doesn’t have to be there every living, breathing moment, in every thing and every action. There are things we engage in that hold absolutely zero meaning, just because.

I don’t know if all this makes sense, or if as usual I am just rambling. Maybe I am just too tired and my brain isn’t functioning too well. But hopefully, I can find peace now.

in the driver’s seat

An analogy was shared with me recently, as an exercise of sorts for me, to visualise myself as a driver of a bus, heading towards a destination which contains the things that I value in life.

In this bus are several passengers, and my work was to identify and name them, which could be an emotion, a feeling or even a personification of one of these.

I name quite a few, and as I went along I realised how the cacophony that these passengers were creating was causing the bus to detour, to slow down or even to fall into potholes, impeding me from heading towards where the bus was headed.

So what do I do with them?

My first reaction was to offload them. Haha. But I think that wasn’t an option available to the driver, like we’ve seen how the UA passenger was forcefully offloaded and a lawsuit eventually ensued.

The way to respond to them can be to surrender/obey, which really doesn’t help, fight them, which would further cause the bus to slow down or worse head in an entirely different direction because then the bus driver would’ve been distracted, and third, to acknowledge and accept them for what they are. The last seems similar to the first I thought, because both involve not doing anything with/to these noisy rowdy passengers, but therein lies the difference – the driver’s reaction.

Accepting them doesn’t mean obeying. Acknowledging the existence of an emotion or an unpleasant feeling, and accepting it with logic or rationale to refute the untruths, is completely different from bowing in to the crushing weight of the negative emotion, i.e. giving in.

The hard work now would be how I can acknowledge and accept and come up with valid and convincing arguments against them.

Brunch today! Classic Brie sandwich with an Americano. Unfortunately this didn’t seem to provide enough fuel after 2 grueling hours of hot yoga this morning!!

afterthought

Yay to the fact that the app is still alive and around.

But..

To be honest, while I still lurk and read the posts, I’ve started to grown a little detached. I no longer feel as inclined to post because I don’t know if it will suddenly decide to vanish again. Besides, the community has also grown a little distant. Friendships have formed, been taken offline, and there they have stayed. I don’t think it would be a place where I’ll have the opportunity to make connections that go further than leaving some comments and liking someone’s posts, vice versa.

Perhaps I just am the sort to make friends through the more conventional ways. There are friends I’ve made over the years for whom I can’t really offer up an easy and quick response when someone asks, “so how did you guys meet?” but then it was almost always still through face-to-face meet-ups, even if those happen in the most unlikely times and circumstances.

Oh well, I guess I’ll stick to the same old, and stick to posting here instead.

And.. the combination of sourdough bread, avocado and copious serving of no-salt organic peanut butter… simply divine.

is this the end?

I wonder if this meant that the plug has been pulled for good. There were a couple of April posts that I think hadn’t been exported, and I don’t really get how come the downloaded posts from the file don’t seem to show any images – each image has this little circular cross icon – but oh well. At least I still get to retain the text, and I’ve the back up of almost all the posts already anyway.

I’ve been so tired this entire week it feels like a totally different life I’m leading now. There were things, such as household chores that I had time to do then but now I’m just wiped out the moment I step into my home that I don’t really want to do anything, besides the fact that time just wasn’t on my side as well.

Maybe I’ll need to think about how best to economise my time so that I can still get the minimal done, including laundry.

Or hopefully with time and as I get into the groove of things so to speak, I’ll be better able to juggle this life and not feel so worn out.

Indeed.

Changes by radioactive

I picked up the pieces

That you left behind

Gone is the dawn

Out comes the sun

A new day’s beginning

Yesterday’s gone

Tomorrow’s a mystery

No battle yet won

Sometimes it’s better left alone

Sometimes it’s better not to show

Some things were better before

Some things not the same anymore

Well life’s full of changes, they say

Life’s like a flower

Fading with time

Ticks by the hour

Till the journey is done

Left with a memory

A glimpse of the past

Just for a while

I thought it would last

(Chorus)

Life’s full of blunders

Betrayal and lies

Regret’s not the answer

For the strong will survive

Somethings it’s better left unread

Somethings it’s better left unsaid

Somethings not the same anymore

Well life’s full of changes, they say

Changes they say, changes they say