Something that I used to ponder, from way back, right up till now.
I don’t know if our lives are meant to be purposeful and if it they, what does that even mean.
Do we find purpose in each and every second of our lives, in the relationships that we nurture and keep, in the jobs that we hold, the activities that we engage in, the thoughts that we think, the values that we hold steadfast to, or… what else is there?
To be frank, I do not know if I have ever tried to look for a purpose or search for my heart’s desire in the jobs that I have had over the last… 10-over years. I always questioned if I enjoyed my work enough to want to stay whenever I felt the urge to send in the resignation letter – most of the times, the answer was “No”, which explained the urge in the first place. Maybe I hadn’t thought hard enough, because on hindsight, when we have perfect 6/6 vision, there were some jobs that I guessed I needn’t have left and maybe, just maybe, I might still be sort of contentedly be employed there.
But… after so many years, after so many thoughts and countless gazillions of brain cells fried from thinking so hard, I have come to a sort of conclusion, a sort of truce, and in the midst of it all, to challenge myself to convince me, that a purpose does not need to be in a job, even if I spend the majority of my time, the best years of my life perhaps, the best hours of the day, in it.
I need to tell myself and believe in what I am telling myself, that a job is well, just a job. I may not love it, and I may not find much purpose in it, but it is something that I trade my time for, in exchange for monetary rewards and some kind of other non-monetary rewards – that I can then use for other things, e.g. necessities and wants.
There’s always a caveat though. As much as I do not need to love it, I must not hate it. It must not drain the living daylights and sanity out of me that it affects my well-being beyond its hours and confines, so that I can still live a wholehearted, meaningful life outside of it.
That said, I am still searching for that elusive purpose. I know now, finally perhaps, or maybe I will fathom more as the years go by, that purpose doesn’t have to be there every living, breathing moment, in every thing and every action. There are things we engage in that hold absolutely zero meaning, just because.
I don’t know if all this makes sense, or if as usual I am just rambling. Maybe I am just too tired and my brain isn’t functioning too well. But hopefully, I can find peace now.