I wonder…

On good days and in good moments, I would constantly remind myself to practise gratitude, to give thanks for the little blessings that God bestows on me. For the most insignificant small wins that I count towards making a day better, to help bring a little twinkle to my eye and a light, wistful smile to help make the day a tad brighter, even if the dark clouds have eclipsed the sun entirely in an ominous foreboding thunderstorm.

It is always on the days that are not so good, when the tiniest setback could trigger a whole chain of negative emotions that seem to interlock with one another to grip you and your sanity in an iron-clasp hold, dragging you into the deepest depth of the ocean floor, anchoring you there with the heaviest anvil that makes you powerless in struggling to break up through the surface of the water for a life-saving gasp of air.

 

Today, I met with a friend whom I have not seen for a while. As we chatted, I was glad to see that she seemed truly happier, and I hope that is indeed what the reality is, as compared to the last time when we met and I felt a tinge of sadness for the bitterness that dripped from her words which I thought ensnared her. Maybe she has truly learned to let whatever it was eating at her go.

I didn’t face similar demons that she did back then at work, but I had my own to deal with, which to this date, I am still fighting to get to know, accept, and let go. Healing takes time, and I don’t know how long it will take.

 

Social media has its good and bad points. There are times when I would browse through my social media feeds and feel extremely worn and lousy, filled with envy and jealousy, even bitterness and resentment, when I see beautifully-curated snapshots of other people’s lives, even if I know that is just what it is, curated fragments.

Yet social media also has its merits. Through it, I have come to know of more varied lives beyond my own. I have come to know that perhaps the life that I have may be one that someone else dreams to have, even if there are so many instances when I have felt only abhorrence for myself and my existence on this earth. There are people who are literally living from day to day, giving thanks for each morning when they wake up because it is one more day claimed from whatever terminal illness they are fighting.

Each of us face a different set of struggles. That’s why our lives are all unique.

I don’t know what lies ahead, but I can only take it a step at a time, a day at a time, and if this is not it, then I will move on and not let it define me, not let it defeat me, not let it cause the crash that almost led me to commit the greatest sin of all.

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