One day I was just experiencing the fullness in my heart as I stood amongst a congregation of fellow church goers in praise and worship, eyes brimming with tears that threatened to fall as I fought them back till the huge lump in my throat hurt because I was just so overwhelmed for some unbeknownst reason.
Such is the touch by God I suppose? I’ve never really sensed God’s presence like how some would describe but there have been moments when I’m singing along with the congregation and just feel so touched that I really wanted to cry. Yet I’ve almost always held back, for fear of being judged, of being thought of as weird, of being viewed as emotionally challenged, though in all honesty these are probably true.
Then today I plunged deep into the ravines of hopelessness, triggered by a single email. It’s so intriguing how such a seemingly small thing can cause that great an upheaval of my emotional state, but perhaps that is just “how these things work/happen/are like”. Inexplicably, a surge of negative emotions coursed through my entire being, and every single thought that came to mind got instantly infected and turned bad.
I am thankful though, that I had a friend who responded to my distress signal and offered to meet up for a chat. We didn’t dwell too much on the matter but tangoed around it, discussing other topics that might help me better deal with future such episodes. But talking with someone probably did a great deal of help, even if I immediately felt bad again of having to put this burden on someone else. I know there are people who care but I don’t know if the look they have in their eyes is one of sympathy, or are they feeling sad to see a once-happy person, if I ever was to begin with, become what I am today.
Desserts at tea time help cure a sweet tooth but there came a point when the sweetness seemed to get to me, or perhaps my choice of yuzu honey tea wasn’t a great idea because it was also sweet.