Do you ever feel like you couldn’t really focus and concentrate on things that you ought to, while you mind wanders off unconsciously to other things?
I feel like that all the time. I don’t know if it is because I just do not have an interest in some things, but somehow most of the waking hours of my life, my mind is on all other things except what I should really be focusing my thoughts on. Sigh. I know it isn’t what I should be doing, or even saying, but not focusing doesn’t mean I am not doing it, I can still do it while my mind isn’t fully on it, just that I feel so tired mentally because my mind is too active on all other matters, and it is a major effort to expend energy of the mind on several different wavelengths.
Didn’t feel very good today. No, I am not feeling upset but I just don’t feel great, because I attended a class where there were some asanas that I just could not get around to doing at all. I have been in practice for so many years yet I can’t do some of the balancing and inversion poses in class. One of the yoga masters would tell me that is due to me being weak in the core, or whatever other areas of muscles those poses would require.
As I was chatting with a friend about some life issues (yes, over whatsapp), I started to ponder about some other things too. At one stage, I started worrying about the future, about how I may soon find myself without a roof over my head, and a variety of other what-ifs in the years to come. I don’t have a concrete plan when it comes to my future, even if in my religion I need to put my faith in Him, yet I am just but made of flesh and blood and it is so simple to fall and be weak.
Days when I really wish I could seek employment in a city that I love and where I could probably start afresh on a clean slate, yet in such economic conditions the prospects are nothing short of bleak.
Moments when I am so tempted to give up on my learning process, to let go of the classes that I have been attending all this while, because it feels like I am not getting anywhere and I see no improvements or progress. Times when I am so tired from everything I try to pack into my life that I want to just let go of every single thing. When I want to just go away some place and not come back for a long time, yet when I consider the financial needs of such an impetus, I can only sigh and think of how silly such a thought is.
After the bout of intense postings about food, it is finally time to take a break as 2013 begins, with life sliding back into a routine that translates to a lack of gastronomical jaunts. I just wanted to get these thoughts out of my mind tonight, in the hope that my mind doesn’t continue to allow these to swirl in my tired brain when I close my eyes for slumber. It is so tiring to go to sleep each night with my mind still on overdrive, with all the dreams, logical or bizarre, flooding my senses and robbing me of quality rest.
I know it is a new year, with lots of promises of new hope and cheer, and I will strive to be happy this year too. Sometimes the spurts of contentment do not last as long as I would like them to, and the intervals between the highs and lows seem to be getting shorter, but it’s the ability to rein myself back, knowing I have this pillar of support, that really matters, isn’t it?