tired

So tired, wondering when everything would ever come to an end.

Yes, life is a journey but I’m running out of strength, energy, motivation, purpose, and the ability to carry on.

Can I just call it quits right now?

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Truth

It hurts, when someone tells you that they have too many commitments to focus on, that take up their time, silently acknowledging that because of those, they are unable to apportion any small amount of time or effort to show care and concern for you, even if you have reached out to them, helplessly, seeking some semblance of support.

But what is it that I want from them? And what is it I desire that they have been unable to give, which has planted a seed of bitterness in me. The inability to let this go, has it translated into the inability to forgive that has tied me to them and this trap, making me unhappy?

God’s word tells us to forgive, for it is only when we forgive, that we will be set free. We have to seek what we need from God, because truly only God will come through, man will only disappoint.

Chinese New Year, with its various defining characteristics, is upon us.

The usual hot and sunny weather that I have always associated with this period, the familiar smells of sodium-laced steamboat broths wafting in the air from the neighbours’ flats, the cheesy CNY songs on the airwaves, splashes of red and pink decorating homes and malls… there’s a little bit of nostalgia that is invoked in me each year when this season swings around. As I reminisce sometimes I feel a little sad at what’s gone and never will be recaptured. But memories serve that purpose, and I do suppose that learning to accept that life is never stagnant and changes are what make life interesting, is what can then help me to move on, and look forward.

God has promised a life more abundant when Jesus went to the cross, and it behoves me to trust in the lord and His provision for every need that I have in life.

Hi there

I have been neglecting this space much. Because I’ve been cheating with a different blogging platform; one that’s easier and faster to update, as well as offering the ease of uploading photos, without limitations of image storage capacity.

But I’ve grown to become reliant on that, because I don’t write to an unknown readership. I connect with fellow users of the space, through comments, and somehow as time goes by, the occasional offer of support and validation had made me start to get used to it, to the extent that I feel as though I’m posting to get validation of what I do, feel, think and act.

It’s unhealthy and can be crippling, when sometimes I may post for the purpose of seeking some words of comfort. But when I don’t receive it, I feel aggrieved and disappointed, wondering why nobody seems to care.

So I thought, maybe I need to put a distance between me and that, to get used again to writing because I enjoy it, because of the catharsis that it provides, because of the articulation of tangible words that I can look back on in days to come, to reflect and perhaps reminisce.

It’s important to seek God, let Him be the one who guides me and gives me the purpose and meaning in my life and what I do. I need to stop letting external factors, people and things, drive the impulses of my emotions and thoughts.

I still like writing.

So maybe I’ll pop back here again.

happy 2019

It’s a new year.

And with a new calendar that signifies new beginnings, does it also herald a fresh start of what my life could be and should be?

I want to let God guide me and I want badly to let go of obsessively trying to control what can never within my realm of control but how can my humanly mind and body relinquish that little semblance of ‘power’ that I seem to exert over something, in a life that feels like everything and anything that can, is spinning out of my weak grasp.

Yet… in the last few months, I think I’ve caught slight glimpses of light peeking through. I feel like I’m slowly breaking through the surface of that once impenetrable layer that separates me from fresh air, from light, from sanity, from hope, and life. From God.

Once too often, I get suckled back by the strong pull of the undercurrents but I’m fighting and struggling to swim my way to that speck of brightness that twinkles ever so slightly, that sometimes eludes me, which I’m desperately trying to keep in sight so that I don’t once more sink back to the depths and get trapped under again.

So I don’t know… where this is going.

I suppose… as life is a journey, even as the work has already been finished by Jesus at the cross, for me… I’ll always be a work in progress. I’ll always have my flaws and imperfections and I’ll always have moments where I’ll falter and fall off the way. That’s what makes Jesus all the more important isn’t it? I need all the hope I can pin on Him to give me the strength to carry on. I feel worn and tired, like a candle that’s run out of wick with the flame flickering dangerously disappearing into the growing pool of hot melty wax.

Sigh. Till the next time.

blurring the edges

Everyday the fatigue just clouds me so much, I just want to curl myself into a cocoon and shut out the world.

Yet there are also those very same moments where I would long for a word, a smile, a warm hug, or even just a person there to listen to me rant, extol, grouse, or ramble.

Ironies of life never cease, as we are self-contradictory beings, not knowing what it is that we want and truly seek. In this aimless and directionless journey that we walk, day after day, month and month, that grows into years and reflects in the gradual greying of the hair.

What am I doing? Why am I here? When will I wake up? Where am I headed? Who am I? How will all these end?

Family…?

A belated Mid-Autumn.

Yesterday was the fifteen day of the eighth month of the Lunar calendar, also known as Mid-Autumn festival, or 中秋节.

It was supposed to be a time of reunion, or that was the kind of impression I got, where families gather, usually in these days, to eat.

As it was a Monday, of course that wasn’t something that would happen in my case because it is a working day after all. So it was another typical day that I spent no different from any other work day. Especially a Monday.

Family.

We had dinner together just last weekend, because apparently, after so many years of us being family, my father suddenly shared a piece of information with us – that the 15th day of the eighth lunar month is also their wedding anniversary! Well, my mum said she doesn’t remember that. Haha. Talk about reversal of roles.

So we thought it would be nice to celebrate it for them but also to take the opportunity for a family dinner, since we did ask if they would like to have a private dinner with just the two of them but I think my parents are the family-sort of people who would rather have dinner with the rest of us.

Conversation flowed easily at dinner. We went to some really secluded and rustic place that serves Western-fusion food, tucked in a private residential estate in the north, but being located in such a hard-to-go place didn’t prevent people from knowing about it. It was actually quite crowded when we went, and it really brought me to out of this city. It didn’t feel like Singapore at all, but more like some beach/resort area eatery. It was also there that my legs became dinner for the mosquitoes – I noticed a few days later that I had about 8 bites on my shins.

Food was decent and service was alright, though not prompt, due to the crowd. Conversation was light and flowed easily throughout the night as we indulged in the savoury fare. It did bring about some fuzzy warm feeling around my heart, but… that was about it.

I thought back at that night, and wondered how these people with whom I sat with around the dinner table, are the ones who are supposed to be the closest and dearest to me in life so far and most likely for a good many more years ahead. But, for this same group of people, they are comfortably unaware or who chose to not be aware, of the crippling dark thoughts that permeated my mind these few years. That just in the recent years, there were episodes where I had contemplated life’s meaning, or the lack of it, and felt like submitting to the hopelessness and helplessness through the open window of my living room.

Maybe. What family means is simply the blood relation that we are bonded by. That same blood and DNA that are in us by virtue that we are born of mum and dad. Aside from that, there seems to be nothing much else. And that may just be what I need to convince myself to accept, to stop expecting anything else from them anymore.

We come to world with nothing, and we will leave with nothing. So in this life, do we hope or desire to acquire and possess anything? Because nothing will ever be ours to lay claim on.