Why…

Honestly, life is so fucking tiring.

It is so exhausting having curveball after curveball hurtling my way, trying to deal with each one on my own with zero help.

I’m really beyond fatigue and I really just wish that God can you just stop this already and bring me home to You? I am so tired I can’t go on anymore after all these decades trying to deal with everything by myself.

I’m so done

I really wish I could. Be done with all these people who just aren’t worth my time and effort, and whom I wish I could just show them the finger and ask them to bugger off. But the innate chronic people pleasing trait of mine just renders me a pathetic and miserable soul, groveling at their feet clamoring to find out what I’ve done wrong hoping to remediate and redeem myself. But why do I do this? Why am I doing this to myself? It perhaps boils down to childhood experiences, unresolved “trauma” so to speak that has sparked in me this strong desire to always want acceptance and validation. It sound stupid to many, but for someone like me who’s been suffering this complex for decades, it’s an everyday reality that I struggle to rid myself of, to get myself out of. I find it a big challenge to love myself because no one seems to love me or make me feel that I’m worthy of being loved as a human being.

I’ve just been filling my days with mundaneness. I know perhaps it is off putting to those I’m craving acceptance from, perhaps it’s what’s turning them off. But I can’t help it. I want to be happy being a hermit, being an island, never caring, never investing any emotions or any part of myself into any friendship; no emotions = no expectations right? So that I can come and go as I please, they can come and go as they please, no strings attached, no questions asked, no feelings involved. I just want to be free from this encumbrance and free myself from feeling like I’m just a speck of dust that nobody cares to pay any attention to.

People generally don’t get it when I explain my situation to them. They’ll often tell me that I need to change my mindset and practise more self love and learn to let go of people if they have chosen not to engage anymore, as it is their choice and even if I don’t know the reasons behind that, I should give them space and let it be. But they don’t know that it can be so devastating for someone who has always sought acceptance and validation, and for this to happen from people who were friends just a until say, a day ago, with that 180-degree change, it felt like the rug was yanked unceremoniously from under me just like that, leaving me befuddled and broken beyond repair.

When, if it’s ever possible, to have that so called mindset change, to not care, and to love myself more? Can there ever be something like self love?

And for the record… I will endeavor to forgive, for me. But I will never forget the hurt that was caused and inflicted.

Shattered

Why can people be so cruel to inflict the very pain on the same wounds you’ve shared with them that have caused a tremendous of long lasting heartache?

I have always struggled, on top of all the bad thoughts permeating my mind with the incessant need for control and dealing with body image or eating disorders, friendships. I don’t think romantic relationships have bothered me as much as friendships have since I was young, thinking back on the several episodes that have left broken more and more. Some have turned hazy with the years but others have remained etched in me that always bring back a sharp stab of pain.

I cannot fathom why after more than four decades I am still plagued by such issues. I don’t know why I have not been able to just let go of this and be content being by myself and not engaging in destructive people pleasing behaviour that makes other areas of my life worse than they already are. Perhaps these are all linked and intertwined in a convoluted web of past unresolved trauma that requires a massive amount of work to unravel and heal from, if healing is even possible to begin with.

I really want to stop letting others have the ability to affect my wellbeing and mood as much they now do. I want to be happier as myself and be myself and not have to care so much about what they think about me as a friend or how they behave towards me. If they are thus, surely they aren’t friends?

Dilemma

Once again, I’m faced with a situation that one too often I’ve encountered over the last two decades. I reached a stage again, since shortly into this, if this is something I need to get myself out of as soon as possible.

I’ve only been in this job for less than a year but countless times have it surfaced within me, a strong urge to resign. The job scope wasn’t what I expected or was told, the reorganisation didn’t change things as promised and in fact made it worse with a broader scope on top what I hadn’t wanted to do, the conversion to a part time basis due to the full time course I was pursuing hasn’t been working out because as much as I draw half the salary and supposedly is obligated to work half the time, I realise that I’ve been working many extra hours – on weekends, at nights, on days when I’m on course, all the while with silent expectations for me to be responsive even on those non working days and times. The culture seems to celebrate and encourage working 24/7 with bosses sending emails at their pleasure and convenience, exacerbated by the internal chat service that even extends into our personal mobile devices. I truly don’t subscribe to the idea of work life integration as they put it; because it only works if there are mutual boundaries put in and respected but the way they’re are practising it is to only the organisation’s benefit at the detriment of employees who aren’t in a position to bargain. Sure, friends have told me to be firm on boundaries, especially when I’m only working part time but in reality, in practice, is it really feasible? I’ve felt myself losing my grip on my ability to stay calm or grip over how I react – too many times have I broken down due to stress and helplessness over the growing pile of work that despite all those additional hours, don’t seem to diminish.

I don’t want to once again be branded and labeled as job hopper or if I were to decide to convert back to full time and quit my course, to become yet another failure in something that I had set out to do. It just feels like I’m stuck in a situation that I have gotten myself into voluntarily. I certainly have no desire to convert back to full time because these months since I’ve started on this part time arrangement have shown me this isn’t a place I would want to work in. But due to the current personal circumstances I need the finances to tide me through the renovation costs, and rental associated with temporary accommodation and storage. Of course in the longer run I still need a job because of daily sustenance and what nots, but this… is this even worth it?

Frequently I’ve questioned why this keeps happening to me. Am I really like they said – a chronic job hopper? I’ve worked about twenty years since graduation; this is my … 10th job? Granted that if it averages out to 2 years per job – some shorter some a little longer, it doesn’t stop the labeling because this isn’t the norm, certainly not for someone from my generation. I often wonder if I’m not a millennial born in a Gen X body and era. Would this have been more acceptable by society at large if I also came with a millennial tag – that this is characteristic and understandable of this group?

It’s so exhausting. I wish I could have an answer.

Hypocrisy

While I’m trying to heal and trying to convince myself that there isn’t a need to be so compulsive and obsessive about exercising, many on the sidelines would often agree and tell me that one class a day is sufficient. But these are the same people who would always be striving to do more in a day, at least two, if not more. What kind of double standards are these, and are they just being hypocrites?