the emotional roller coaster ride

One day I was just experiencing the fullness in my heart as I stood amongst a congregation of fellow church goers in praise and worship, eyes brimming with tears that threatened to fall as I fought them back till the huge lump in my throat hurt because I was just so overwhelmed for some unbeknownst reason.

Such is the touch by God I suppose? I’ve never really sensed God’s presence like how some would describe but there have been moments when I’m singing along with the congregation and just feel so touched that I really wanted to cry. Yet I’ve almost always held back, for fear of being judged, of being thought of as weird, of being viewed as emotionally challenged, though in all honesty these are probably true.

Then today I plunged deep into the ravines of hopelessness, triggered by a single email. It’s so intriguing how such a seemingly small thing can cause that great an upheaval of my emotional state, but perhaps that is just “how these things work/happen/are like”. Inexplicably, a surge of negative emotions coursed through my entire being, and every single thought that came to mind got instantly infected and turned bad.

I am thankful though, that I had a friend who responded to my distress signal and offered to meet up for a chat. We didn’t dwell too much on the matter but tangoed around it, discussing other topics that might help me better deal with future such episodes. But talking with someone probably did a great deal of help, even if I immediately felt bad again of having to put this burden on someone else. I know there are people who care but I don’t know if the look they have in their eyes is one of sympathy, or are they feeling sad to see a once-happy person, if I ever was to begin with, become what I am today.

Desserts at tea time help cure a sweet tooth but there came a point when the sweetness seemed to get to me, or perhaps my choice of yuzu honey tea wasn’t a great idea because it was also sweet.

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It’s the eve of Chinese New Year

For the past few months, it’s always been clockwork, what I do daily rain or shine, weekday or weekend. Most days anyway, unless there is some other appointment that conflicts with the routine.

There have even been days when I would awake with a jolt, wondering which day of the week it was, and if I’d woken up late to miss the regular yoga class I attend. It’s rare and of course I hope it never happens, because anyway as of late, I can’t sleep well. Most days I would rouse from slumber before the alarm actually goes off and so my day would begin earlier than I’d planned for it to.

It’s CNY eve. Most people are scrambling to do their last minute shopping, whether for groceries for the reunion dinner, for the next few days’ meals, or new clothes and shoes. Several shops had already done their last day of business yesterday and let their employees off for today and the next couple of days.

Lunchtime. All F&B outlets that are still open register long queues of hungry people, students or working adults off from their half day of school or work, or those taking a meal break before going off to run more last minute errands.

All this while, it was ‘business as usual’ for me. Did my usual stuff, had my usual breakfast, and decided to go get some non-CNY stuff.

Then I continued to mull the plausibility of skipping reunion dinner.

I really don’t feel like it because I just wanted to hide myself at home and veg out, maybe indulge in fast food for dinner.

But.. could I? And would I? The last thing I’d want is to make my parents worry, or unhappy. Not turning up to reunion dinner, when I’m obviously not out of town, would be a big thing.

Then again, would anyone notice actually?

And so I fulfilled my duty. Is it out of love for my parents or an obligation to be there, I really don’t know.

Hello 2018, a month later

I guess I’m going to be here more often than 2017, seeing as to how the microblogging platform I was on for the last few years is pulling out because it was no longer sustainable.

All good things come to an end, and as its demise looms nearer, I suppose this will be where I’ll fall back on again to log my thoughts and nots.

It’s almost as if I’m reconnecting with WordPress once more, rekindling our relationship from what once was and then got lost to convenience somewhere else, only to restart things and pick it up again.

I just wonder if I’ll still have that same desire to write, whether it’s here or elsewhere. But we shall see.

Oh and I’m more than a month late but better late than never.

Happy 2018.

And we’re almost to the lunar new year! Some thoughts came up as Chinese New Year draws near, which maybe I’ll talk about in the next post.

Goodbye 2017

Another 1 day and few hours to go before we call it a close on 2017.

How has this year been? I have mixed feelings about this.

As I finally decided to leave my job without having something waiting (yet again, for the second time in history), perhaps it is a good thing. But I’m not entirely sure.

I wondered if I’d made any progress though where coping with my emotions are concerned, but probably in the last couple of months I might have done better, having had a better perspective. Yes, after a year and a half a bulb kind of lit up. However it led to more rumination, deliberation, and searching, which until this day has left me utterly exhausted and brought on me a serious bout of sleeplessness.

I never knew pain could feel like this. Not in the physical sense but nonetheless still strongly felt and striking deep. It can hit so suddenly without any warning that it could catch me totally unaware and leaves me reeling from wave after wave of assault.

With all these, I still hope that 2018 will be a better year. That’s the only thing I can hang on to, after all.

And while clinging on to that hope, make feeble attempts to give thanks for whatever blessings I have had over the last year.

overstaying.

According to dictionary.com:

overstay
əʊvəˈsteɪ/
verb
verb: overstay; 3rd person present: overstays; past tense: overstayed; past participle: overstayed; gerund or present participle: overstaying
  1. stay longer than the time, limits, or duration of.

So.. it can apply in many different scenarios and circumstances. Sometimes, many times, I have felt like I have “overstayed” my presence/welcome, even if the people concerned are my own blood-related family members.

To me, I just try to be as present as I can, even if sometimes I don’t really do anything but just being physically there I see it as a sort of support that I am rendering to whatever family event. It isn’t that I do not want to lend a helping hand but usually I just do not want to meddle in what many hands are already doing, lest I screw things up, or simply because there isn’t any space for me to butt myself into. Yet, it could come across as me not being interested to lift a finger. So, perhaps that could explain the slight feeling of hostility I experienced. Or have I been too sensitive as usual?

Friends. They come and they go. When you are not part of the squad, I guess it is also timely that I exit from the picture. It always pains me when such situations occur but really, we can’t help it. Life happens in episodes and seasons, and so do the people who enter and exit our lives. Everything has a season and a reason, and when the season is over and the reason is lived out, it is then time to move on and along. Seasons can be long or short, and reasons can be simple or complex and multi-faceted. Nevertheless, sometimes, there is a recurrence of season or reason, sometimes, there isn’t. We just have to accept that this is life, a flux of changes, a flux of people, a flux of everything.

Time has passed so quickly. June flashed by. July is almost over. Celebrated the actual day of my birthday with 2 persons. Sort of. These people whom I have met through the course of my working life years back, who have also come and went and I guess in this case, come back again. It defies the adage that you don’t make friends from work. But then again, nothing is ever cast in stone or that is absolute, except death and taxes. Friends I have made from school days who I still keep in contact with, but we do not connect on the same level. With friends from school, there is that shared experience of growing up but because we had not stayed in touch throughout the growing up years, rather I have different friends from different schooling phases, and because perhaps schooling and growing up years were considerably comfortable and smooth, the connection is not that deep? I can’t really begin to explain, but sad or undesirable as it may be, people connect better and deeper over shared hardship, which actually facilitates the formation of stronger bonds between people. At least that is how I see it.