It can be such a distressing and crippling activity.
It takes another person to ask the right questions to dig deeper, answers to questions that you never wanted to face but badly needed to. That’s what counsellors are meant to do. Yet it’s painful and extremely raw on all fronts.
Why has this been inflicted on me, where did my happy carefree self go to? I’m just a remnant and shadow of who and what I used to be, although I have lost sight of when the little nuances of change had crept in so stealthily, gradually infiltrating my being and polluting the serenity and whatever little bursts of sunshine I ever possessed within.
Would the day come when these chains are loosed from me for good, or that I may catch a glimpse of some speckle of light which I can gravitate to, regain any ounce of sanity and stability in my thoughts, allowing myself to discover and experience happiness once more?
That’s what I feel.
On days when you see how other people seem to have other people to share their days, lives and special moments with, I’m retreated back home to emptiness.
Perhaps it is a matter of perspective, whether it’s lonesome or solitude. It is a choice how to look at the situation or feel about it, but it’s always easier to give in to what human beings are wont and wired to experience, that is, the set of negative emotions and thoughts.
Happiness is not, and should not be the default state we feel, because it’s not sustainable. We just need to be in a state of peace at abc with ourselves and lives, where spurts of happiness or sadness, disappointments, rage, exhilaration and a whole lot of other states of emotions will occur from time to time.
I know it’s a mindset. And that thinking the right thoughts will help me out of this funk. But I cannot yet overcome that feeling, that niggling insecurity, that no one really wants to spend time with me on holidays. I’m not one of those whom they’ll think of when they’re thinking of spending some quality time on non working days. It’s depressing and sad, but this again is looking inwards and internalising things. Because it isn’t about me and what it is about me that results in this, but it’s a choice made by another person which I’ve zero control over.
Maybe I have a little say; if only I were a nicer person to hang out with…?
I can rationalise it but it doesn’t mean I’m accepting it and willing myself to believe in this to life my emotional state.
I’d always think to myself, did God make me.. and then allow all these things to happen to me?
Was it to test my faith in His grace, love and provision?
Many times, I’ve been tired and wished I could call it quits. Several times, I’ve come close but the rational part of me that survives and clings on by a thread always pulls me back.
Recently, I’ve felt a regression. It was like, even though many have told me of the vast improvements they’ve witnessed in me, there was a part of me that knew things were lurking beneath, waiting for the opportune moment to counter-strike.
In a short span of days, many things have happened. In the grand scheme of things, they appeared to be mundane and trivial, but throw this into the mix of emotional instability and you get a potent resultant effect of the black dog resurfacing with a vengeance.
Gazing towards the window that seems to beckon and promises deliverance and liberation from pain that is so intangible I finally understand why people choose to cause themselves physical pain because it gives tangibility to the pain and maybe distract me from the invisible yet crippling pain inside; from the tears that have fallen so easily and so copiously, as I marvel at how quickly they pool up and descend in large droplets from the corners of my eyes.
Why are you letting these things happen to me, God? Why did You bring me to this world to undergo so much pain and torment? Why is life so arduous and treacherous, difficult to maneuver and flow through? Are these really meant to be challenges to make me grow? These lessons are so painful to bear… I really don’t know if I’ll ever get through them eventually.
Can I press Esc, or Ctrl+Alt+Del?
So tired, wondering when everything would ever come to an end.
Yes, life is a journey but I’m running out of strength, energy, motivation, purpose, and the ability to carry on.
Can I just call it quits right now?
It hurts, when someone tells you that they have too many commitments to focus on, that take up their time, silently acknowledging that because of those, they are unable to apportion any small amount of time or effort to show care and concern for you, even if you have reached out to them, helplessly, seeking some semblance of support.
But what is it that I want from them? And what is it I desire that they have been unable to give, which has planted a seed of bitterness in me. The inability to let this go, has it translated into the inability to forgive that has tied me to them and this trap, making me unhappy?
God’s word tells us to forgive, for it is only when we forgive, that we will be set free. We have to seek what we need from God, because truly only God will come through, man will only disappoint.
Chinese New Year, with its various defining characteristics, is upon us.
The usual hot and sunny weather that I have always associated with this period, the familiar smells of sodium-laced steamboat broths wafting in the air from the neighbours’ flats, the cheesy CNY songs on the airwaves, splashes of red and pink decorating homes and malls… there’s a little bit of nostalgia that is invoked in me each year when this season swings around. As I reminisce sometimes I feel a little sad at what’s gone and never will be recaptured. But memories serve that purpose, and I do suppose that learning to accept that life is never stagnant and changes are what make life interesting, is what can then help me to move on, and look forward.
God has promised a life more abundant when Jesus went to the cross, and it behoves me to trust in the lord and His provision for every need that I have in life.
I have been neglecting this space much. Because I’ve been cheating with a different blogging platform; one that’s easier and faster to update, as well as offering the ease of uploading photos, without limitations of image storage capacity.
But I’ve grown to become reliant on that, because I don’t write to an unknown readership. I connect with fellow users of the space, through comments, and somehow as time goes by, the occasional offer of support and validation had made me start to get used to it, to the extent that I feel as though I’m posting to get validation of what I do, feel, think and act.
It’s unhealthy and can be crippling, when sometimes I may post for the purpose of seeking some words of comfort. But when I don’t receive it, I feel aggrieved and disappointed, wondering why nobody seems to care.
So I thought, maybe I need to put a distance between me and that, to get used again to writing because I enjoy it, because of the catharsis that it provides, because of the articulation of tangible words that I can look back on in days to come, to reflect and perhaps reminisce.
It’s important to seek God, let Him be the one who guides me and gives me the purpose and meaning in my life and what I do. I need to stop letting external factors, people and things, drive the impulses of my emotions and thoughts.
I still like writing.
So maybe I’ll pop back here again.
It’s a new year.
And with a new calendar that signifies new beginnings, does it also herald a fresh start of what my life could be and should be?
I want to let God guide me and I want badly to let go of obsessively trying to control what can never within my realm of control but how can my humanly mind and body relinquish that little semblance of ‘power’ that I seem to exert over something, in a life that feels like everything and anything that can, is spinning out of my weak grasp.
Yet… in the last few months, I think I’ve caught slight glimpses of light peeking through. I feel like I’m slowly breaking through the surface of that once impenetrable layer that separates me from fresh air, from light, from sanity, from hope, and life. From God.
Once too often, I get suckled back by the strong pull of the undercurrents but I’m fighting and struggling to swim my way to that speck of brightness that twinkles ever so slightly, that sometimes eludes me, which I’m desperately trying to keep in sight so that I don’t once more sink back to the depths and get trapped under again.
So I don’t know… where this is going.
I suppose… as life is a journey, even as the work has already been finished by Jesus at the cross, for me… I’ll always be a work in progress. I’ll always have my flaws and imperfections and I’ll always have moments where I’ll falter and fall off the way. That’s what makes Jesus all the more important isn’t it? I need all the hope I can pin on Him to give me the strength to carry on. I feel worn and tired, like a candle that’s run out of wick with the flame flickering dangerously disappearing into the growing pool of hot melty wax.
Sigh. Till the next time.